My Soapbox: LEAVE WOMEN ALONE!!

There is something seriously wrong with the world right now.

I began  to realize this fact the day that I signed onto Facebook and saw the article that shall live in infamy; "Plus-sized model fired for being too fat". As it turns out, this "plus-sized" model in question is a size ten and the "new plus size" is a size 8. I must have read the article ten times, convinced that I must have read it wrong. When I finally realized I hadn't, I considered pinching myself really hard because I obviously needed to wake up from this horrible nightmare where everything in the world was completely backwards. Size 8 is not plus-sized, it's not even big. At all. It's average at worst and even then it's on the small side of average. It's the "after" picture, not the "before" picture. It is, without a doubt, absolutely ridiculous and sets yet another impossible-to-achieve standard of beauty for women. Just what we need. Thanks for that.

Weeks passed, and I managed to lick my wounds. And then Karl Lagerfeld had to open his mouth.

Anyone who has talked to me for longer than five seconds knows that I absolutely love Adele. I mean come on, who doesn't?! Well, apparently not designer Karl Lagerfeld who thinks Adele is "a bit too fat". And that's all he has to say about her. Never mind the fact that she has an amazing voice, ridiculous song-writing abilities, is hilarious and not to mention a freaking knock-out. All he sees when he looks at this amazingly talented woman is fat. Granted, he is a fashion designer who is used to being surrounded by people who think that a stalk of celery and air is the equivalent to a Thanksgiving dinner and he probably thinks anyone beyond a size zero is a fat load. That's the "reality" in his sick, sad little world. In the meantime,  back in the actual real world, did anyone else notice that it's totally okay for him to look like a Muppet and criticize everyone else's appearance? I sincerely hope that I run into that guy someday. I'll take him to a buffet, tie him to a chair and force him to watch me eat every last, delightful, greasy bite while explaining that eating and exercise, not starving yourself, is the way to go through life while maintaining your sanity. That healthy is more important than skinny. That real women eat and real women like it. So back off, fancy pants.

I wish I could say that my soapbox ends here. That the men of the world realized that they were all making us feel horrible and banded together to support the greatness that is the women of the world. But unless you live under a rock, you know that that's not how this story ends. Instead there seemed to be some kind of universal mutual decision that if judging us by our looks couldn't break us, then judging us by our lifestyle choices might do the trick.

I have a theory. Based on the recent comments of Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, and Rush Limbaugh I can only assume that they've all given up the facade of being decent human beings, have given in to the "shock factor" of politics a bit too much, and overall just want Obama to win a re-election. Don't get me wrong, the end result is just fine with me, but I would greatly appreciate it if they could leave my rights as a human being out of their campaign. That's right guys, my rights as a human being. I know I'm just a lowly woman who needs to shut up and get back to the kitchen where she belongs, but I do actually have constitutional rights (you know, guys! the constitution! Forefathers! Equality! Why do the Republican buzz words suddenly lose meaning for you when they come from a  woman??). I should pause right here to say that I really, really  hate to make this a Republican thing, but it is what it is. I know a lot of conservative Republicans and they're even shocked by the nonsense going on right now. Even Sarah Palin finds your actions appalling!  So let's break down the issues, shall we?

First and foremost, planned parenthood and abortions are not necessarily mutually exclusive. In other words, you can go to Planned Parenthood for other things. Great things, in fact! Things like free healthcare, free consoling, and free contraception. Oh but wait, contraception is bad, right? We shouldn't be allowed to be on birth control because if we are, more babies will be born out of wedlock! And need food stamps! And health care! And government assistance! Oh my! 

But hang on a second, let's deconstruct that sentence. If we are on birth control (which prevents pregnancy) then more babies will be born out of wedlock (more babies? I thought we were preventing pregnancy here..?). Maybe it's just because I'm a lowly, stupid woman (see above, re: needs to shut up and get back to the kitchen) but that makes zero sense to me. Enter Rush Limbaugh, who explains so kindly, intelligently, and respectfully, that the solution to the problem is so simple! Stop giving the sluts birth control! Because nothing stops babies being born out of wedlock like not using birth control, right? Oh and a panel discussion about birth control rights where only men could go and speak? Classy. I bet you wish you could still order for us in restaurants and refer to us as your "little lady", right?

Oh I know, you guys wish we could go back to the "good old days" when "women acted like ladies" and a baby born out of wedlock only happened to the "bad" family and no one else. When we were good little girls who gave a crap if you thought we were fat, and immediately starved ourselves the instant our looks weren't exactly to your liking. Back when we aimed to please. Better yet, back when all you had to do was hit us over the head with the biggest rock you could find and drag us back to your cave. Good times.

Guys, please, please explain to me what is it about women that you're so opposed to! Are you intimidated? Threatened? Or are you just plain stupid? Isn't it bad enough that women are horrible to each other without you chiming in?! Furthermore, don't you realize that by saying and doing these things that you're giving the kind, considerate, good guys a bad name? That you're dragging them down with you? Or do you just not care?

Here's my rant in a nutshell: Do not take away our rights. Re-read a little thing called the 19th amendment (Yes! We can vote! And we sure as hell aren't voting for you!). Do not call us fat. Do not call us sluts. In fact, erase both of those words from your already limited vocabulary and never, ever use them again. Remember that we are human beings just like you. We will fight for ourselves and our daughters and our daughter's daughters. Stop foolishly attaching your names to the words "Christian values". Because if that's what you have, then you're sure not acting like it. Most of all, remember who brought you into this world. That's right, women. We brought you into it and we can take you out of it. LEAVE US ALONE.

Thanks, I feel much better now.

The Soundtrack To My 2011

Since around the beginning of December, all of the hipsters have been abuzz with their "best of" lists, especially the ones comprised of the albums and singles of 2011. I love reading through them, mostly because as a self-proclaimed music snob it reaffirms my belief that everyone who works in the music industry is secretly twelve years old (two words: Justin Beiber). Anyway, I figure if they can write a "best of" music list, so can I, but hopefully with a bit of a twist.

For me, 2011 was a year of really high highs and really low lows. Music is my safety blanket and always makes me feel better, or lets me know when it's okay to wallow a little (I strongly believe both things are of equal importance). My list is a bit of a cheater list because not everything I loved this year came out in 2011, but what's the point of having your own blog if you can't bend the rules a little?! So instead, my personal "best of" list is a top ten list of all of the songs I loved in 2011 whether they came out this year or not. Take that, Rolling Stone Magazine!

#1: The Healer: Florence and The Machine "Rabbit Heart (Raise It up)"
If you've had a conversation with me about music anytime over the last two years, it's likely I've cornered you and talked your ear off about Florence and The Machine. I absolutely love Florence's voice and writing style and feel like she figured out a way to set herself apart from all of the other female singers (good or bad) that have come out the last couple of years. But my Florence turning point came right after my dad passed away. Driving home from the funeral, I listened to this song over and over. It was so ridiculously fitting to how I felt in that (horrible) moment of my life that I truly felt like the song was written for me and she was reaching out to me personally (cheesy I know, but true). It was one of those rare "okay to wallow" moments that always wind up making you feel a little better.

#2: The Kid's Choice: Fitz And The Tantrums "Don't Gotta Work It Out". I don't know what it is about this song, but Layla and Ben could be in the worst mood ever and this song would make them laugh and dance. We were all instantly hooked and chances are good that if I made you a mix in 2011, this song was on it. (And just a side note, it takes a really good song to almost ignore the fact that the lead singer is a cheese ball in a pink suit...you know, almost...)

#3: The Popular Girl: Adelle "Rumor Has It". Okay, so I didn't go with the obvious Adele choice ("Rolling In The Deep") but nonetheless, Adele is loved by practically everyone I know from Beiber fans to heavy metal enthusiasts. I don't know how she does it, but she really did manage to get to everyone this year. "Rumor Has It" is my personal favorite off of her 2011 album and reminds me of driving to school at 6 AM for my 7 AM math final and not even feeling mad about it. In other words, Adele is a miracle worker.

#4 The Deep Thinkers: Mumford And Sons "The Cave". Josh and I have had countless conversations about how much we love these guys. It's hard to combine self-loathing and unbridled hopefulness on the same album, much less the same song, but they manage to do it and most importantly, to do it brilliantly. These guys are a ray of sunshine in an increasingly dismal music industry and if you don't already have this album, you're seriously missing out. Also, it's nice to see someone finally making the banjo cool.

#5 The One The Magazines And I Can Agree On: Wilco "Whole Love". I've liked Wilco for a long time and then we watched a documentary about them a few months ago that made me officially fall in love. In a time when it seems like everyone is pumping out generic music to make a quick dollar, the fact that there are still bands around that care about the quality of their music and the people who listen to it is amazingly refreshing. And on a completely different note, if you have a minute to waste on Youtube (you know you do!) check out Wilco's lead singer Jeff Tweedy randomly showing up on the Chicago news and doing the weather. It's priceless.

#6: Music's Finest Collaboration: She and Him "In The Sun". 2011 was, without a doubt, the year of Zooey Deschanel. She was in "New Girl" and about sixteen different movies, ads, commercials and so many other things that it felt like no matter where you looked, she was in your face. And somehow, I'm not sick of her in the slightest. In fact, if anything, the Zooey D. saturation of 2011 made her even more adorable. Also, every promotional She and Him performance I watched this year made me realize that M. Ward (aka Him in She and Him) is just too cool for words.

#7 The Cover Boys: Vampire Weekend "Everywhere" (Fleetwood Mac cover). I have a confession to make. I morph into a fire-breathing-music-snob every time someone does a cover. I feel like this is mostly justified because it's just not natural for Beyonce to cover Kings of Leon, but it happened (seriously, google it) and the fact remains that most covers are the cringe-worthy red-headed-stepchildren of the original song. Maybe it's because Vampire Weekend is one of my favorite bands, rendering me completely biased, or because I was having a Fleetwood Mac kind of year, but I love this cover. Ezra (I can practically hear Josh in my head saying "Don't say 'the lead singer' like you don't know their names!")'s voice is perfect for the song and the boys know how to rock. 

 #8 The One I liked, But Never Fully Understood Until 2011: Fleetwood Mac "Landslide". I love Fleetwood Mac and I have always thought this was a pretty fantastic song, but something in my head clicked this year and this song finally made perfect sense to me. I suspect it's because I'm getting old, but I'll try to leave it open to interpretation.

#9 The Guilty Pleasure: Cee Lo Green "Forget You". I know, I know, but this song is so unbelievably catchy that I defy you not to shake your booty when it comes on. Just finding the video (which is also awesome) guarantees this song will be stuck in my head for at least a week. I don't watch The Voice and I don't even like Cee Lo very much generally (with the exception of a few Gnarles Barkley songs) but I couldn't bring myself to change the station whenever this song came on the radio.

 
#10: The Summarizer: The Head and The Heart "Lost In My Mind". I obviously didn't write this song and therefore can't say with total certainty what it's about, but to me it feels like a lesson in trudging through the lowest lows and sailing through the highest highs all while trying your best not to lose sight of hope. Which in a nutshell, perfectly sums up my 2011.

Happy New Year Friends...The best is yet to come...