Never Buy A Feather Boa And Eleven Other Lessons From 2012

The Twelve Lessons I learned in 2012:

1) Never buy a feather boa. I can't explain why or how, but they constantly leave a trail of feathers in their wake and never get any smaller or stringier. Every parent longingly waits for the day when they can point to a bald boa and tell their child that the boa (finally, FINALLY) has to be thrown away. The only problem is that no matter how many hours you spend vacuuming up hot pink feathers, that day never comes. So never buy a feather boa, no matter how much better you feel about doing calculus homework when you wear it. I mean, your kid! Never buy one for your kid!

2) Never attempt to build a gingerbread house without a gingerbread house kit unless you have a degree (preferably masters or higher) in either architecture, construction, civil engineering, or design. If you try to construct a homemade gingerbread house without the proper credentials, you WILL fail. Or worse, you will sit at the table with a half-constructed house debating whether gum drops or Skittles make better re-enforcers for your tootsie roll mailbox, refusing to fail. Either way, your kid will lose interest long before you do and you will hate all those know-it-alls on Pinterest with their perfect gingerbread houses complete with blue m&m moats containing leaping (how?!) Swedish Fish. Show offs.

3) Sometimes you are the parent that is all patience, goodness, and light. And sometimes you are the parent who has to put a dollar in the swear jar more frequently than you'd like to admit. I don't want to say which one I am, but I will say that there are a hell of a lot of dollars in that damn jar.

4) If you are not a do-it-yourself person then you really shouldn't try to do it yourself. Pinterest kept me captivated for about the first half of the year and I was constantly pinning crazy things that I swore I would try. However, my first (and only) Pinterest attempt of making a homemade face mask left me with a face so bright orange that the cast of Jersey Shore was jealous. Luckily, I aim to surround myself with people who are much, much smarter than me just in case I need to be bailed out of ridiculous situations and one of my best friends was able to come to the rescue. After she stopped laughing at me.

5) Read the article, not the comments. Every single time, I get sucked into some little virtual argument over something so completely out there that I wind up depressed and pessimistic, questioning the mental state of the world. I don't recommend it.

6) I also don't recommend taking Nyquil before watching four back-to-back episodes of Breaking Bad. I can pretty much guarantee that you will have the most terrifying dreams of your life, so consider yourselves warned.

7) Someday you will be somewhere without the kids and start humming to yourself. "What is the lovely song that's stuck in my head?" you will wonder until it dawns on you that it's the theme song from Yo Gabba Gabba. I can't lie; it's a pretty low moment.

8) Sometime the world is dark, scary, and beyond comprehension. Sometimes I just want to barricade myself inside my house, grow all of my own food, sew all of my own clothes, make my own power generator, make beer in the bathtub...you know, really let all of my inner crazy come out. But throwing the covers over my head in the morning while yelling "Leave me alone! I have agoraphobia like Paula Deen!" is not only ridiculously false, but also helps no one. No matter how violent and unmanageable the world seems, the show must go on.

9) It's always a good idea to aspire to write a post-apocalyptic Pauly Shore movie with your funniest friend. Even if it never happens, the brain-storming sessions alone are good for a laugh.

10) I always figured I would become looser and more laid-back the older I got, but I've found the complete opposite happening. Every day I'm just a little more neurotic and crazy. It's like I'm slowly morphing into Woody Allen with a lot more hair and a lot less talent and success.

11) As an aspiring writer living in a world where no one really likes to read, I've had my fair share of rejection. Rejection sucks for the obvious reasons, but also sucks because it is so impersonal. There's no "We know you put hard work and your entire soul into writing this, but we just don't need it right now". There's not even a "It's not you, it's us" formality. It's just no. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that a "no" will eventually turn into a "yes".

12) A sense of humor will get you through anything. One of the best parts of my marriage is that we can always make each other laugh, no matter how hard life can feel. The whole "laughter is the best medicine" thing sounds like a cheesy cliche, but it's true. And I'm lucky to be married to someone I can wet-willy photo-bomb while he tries to balance a spoon on his nose. It doesn't get much better than that.


 Happy New Year, Everyone!

The Soundtrack To My 2011

Since around the beginning of December, all of the hipsters have been abuzz with their "best of" lists, especially the ones comprised of the albums and singles of 2011. I love reading through them, mostly because as a self-proclaimed music snob it reaffirms my belief that everyone who works in the music industry is secretly twelve years old (two words: Justin Beiber). Anyway, I figure if they can write a "best of" music list, so can I, but hopefully with a bit of a twist.

For me, 2011 was a year of really high highs and really low lows. Music is my safety blanket and always makes me feel better, or lets me know when it's okay to wallow a little (I strongly believe both things are of equal importance). My list is a bit of a cheater list because not everything I loved this year came out in 2011, but what's the point of having your own blog if you can't bend the rules a little?! So instead, my personal "best of" list is a top ten list of all of the songs I loved in 2011 whether they came out this year or not. Take that, Rolling Stone Magazine!

#1: The Healer: Florence and The Machine "Rabbit Heart (Raise It up)"
If you've had a conversation with me about music anytime over the last two years, it's likely I've cornered you and talked your ear off about Florence and The Machine. I absolutely love Florence's voice and writing style and feel like she figured out a way to set herself apart from all of the other female singers (good or bad) that have come out the last couple of years. But my Florence turning point came right after my dad passed away. Driving home from the funeral, I listened to this song over and over. It was so ridiculously fitting to how I felt in that (horrible) moment of my life that I truly felt like the song was written for me and she was reaching out to me personally (cheesy I know, but true). It was one of those rare "okay to wallow" moments that always wind up making you feel a little better.

#2: The Kid's Choice: Fitz And The Tantrums "Don't Gotta Work It Out". I don't know what it is about this song, but Layla and Ben could be in the worst mood ever and this song would make them laugh and dance. We were all instantly hooked and chances are good that if I made you a mix in 2011, this song was on it. (And just a side note, it takes a really good song to almost ignore the fact that the lead singer is a cheese ball in a pink suit...you know, almost...)

#3: The Popular Girl: Adelle "Rumor Has It". Okay, so I didn't go with the obvious Adele choice ("Rolling In The Deep") but nonetheless, Adele is loved by practically everyone I know from Beiber fans to heavy metal enthusiasts. I don't know how she does it, but she really did manage to get to everyone this year. "Rumor Has It" is my personal favorite off of her 2011 album and reminds me of driving to school at 6 AM for my 7 AM math final and not even feeling mad about it. In other words, Adele is a miracle worker.

#4 The Deep Thinkers: Mumford And Sons "The Cave". Josh and I have had countless conversations about how much we love these guys. It's hard to combine self-loathing and unbridled hopefulness on the same album, much less the same song, but they manage to do it and most importantly, to do it brilliantly. These guys are a ray of sunshine in an increasingly dismal music industry and if you don't already have this album, you're seriously missing out. Also, it's nice to see someone finally making the banjo cool.

#5 The One The Magazines And I Can Agree On: Wilco "Whole Love". I've liked Wilco for a long time and then we watched a documentary about them a few months ago that made me officially fall in love. In a time when it seems like everyone is pumping out generic music to make a quick dollar, the fact that there are still bands around that care about the quality of their music and the people who listen to it is amazingly refreshing. And on a completely different note, if you have a minute to waste on Youtube (you know you do!) check out Wilco's lead singer Jeff Tweedy randomly showing up on the Chicago news and doing the weather. It's priceless.

#6: Music's Finest Collaboration: She and Him "In The Sun". 2011 was, without a doubt, the year of Zooey Deschanel. She was in "New Girl" and about sixteen different movies, ads, commercials and so many other things that it felt like no matter where you looked, she was in your face. And somehow, I'm not sick of her in the slightest. In fact, if anything, the Zooey D. saturation of 2011 made her even more adorable. Also, every promotional She and Him performance I watched this year made me realize that M. Ward (aka Him in She and Him) is just too cool for words.

#7 The Cover Boys: Vampire Weekend "Everywhere" (Fleetwood Mac cover). I have a confession to make. I morph into a fire-breathing-music-snob every time someone does a cover. I feel like this is mostly justified because it's just not natural for Beyonce to cover Kings of Leon, but it happened (seriously, google it) and the fact remains that most covers are the cringe-worthy red-headed-stepchildren of the original song. Maybe it's because Vampire Weekend is one of my favorite bands, rendering me completely biased, or because I was having a Fleetwood Mac kind of year, but I love this cover. Ezra (I can practically hear Josh in my head saying "Don't say 'the lead singer' like you don't know their names!")'s voice is perfect for the song and the boys know how to rock. 

 #8 The One I liked, But Never Fully Understood Until 2011: Fleetwood Mac "Landslide". I love Fleetwood Mac and I have always thought this was a pretty fantastic song, but something in my head clicked this year and this song finally made perfect sense to me. I suspect it's because I'm getting old, but I'll try to leave it open to interpretation.

#9 The Guilty Pleasure: Cee Lo Green "Forget You". I know, I know, but this song is so unbelievably catchy that I defy you not to shake your booty when it comes on. Just finding the video (which is also awesome) guarantees this song will be stuck in my head for at least a week. I don't watch The Voice and I don't even like Cee Lo very much generally (with the exception of a few Gnarles Barkley songs) but I couldn't bring myself to change the station whenever this song came on the radio.

 
#10: The Summarizer: The Head and The Heart "Lost In My Mind". I obviously didn't write this song and therefore can't say with total certainty what it's about, but to me it feels like a lesson in trudging through the lowest lows and sailing through the highest highs all while trying your best not to lose sight of hope. Which in a nutshell, perfectly sums up my 2011.

Happy New Year Friends...The best is yet to come...