Hello, my name is Abbey and I am a perfectionist.
Being a perfectionist was never a problem before I had kids. Even though I could really drive myself crazy with it, I always regarded perfectionism as a good thing. It meant that I was striving to be the best and there's nothing wrong with that.
Until, of course, I had kids and realized that perfect is impossible. "Perfect" is a lie created by celebrity Mommy Bloggers and 30-minute sitcoms. In my life as a parent, there are moments of blissful perfection, but they come and go and I have no way to control them. What happens more often than not are spontaneous acts of two hilarious kids and their permanently exhausted parents, who are just trying to do the best they can do.
As an effort to let go of my pursuit of parental perfectionism and to show that no parent is perfect no matter how hard they try, the following are a small sample of anecdotes which accentuate my varying degrees of parenting imperfection. Why am I sharing? Because no one is perfect, no parent is perfect, and if we can all laugh together instead of putting on the perfection front, life would probably be a lot more fun. So here we go.
Confession #1: About a year ago I made the somewhat catastrophic mistake (the
catastrophe only realized in hindsight, as they often are) of taking my
then four-year-old and one-year-old into the pet store at the mall while
trying to kill some time waiting for something else. When it came time
to leave, Layla was perfectly fine and willing to leave without making a
scene. Ben...not so much. Fast-forward to me, speed-walking a stroller
containing a screaming, beet-faced baby with preschooler flung over my
shoulder (all the better to get the hell out of there faster). Oh, but it
gets better. Ben has the unfortunate habit of pronouncing "K" words like
"T" words. So as I practically ran through a mall, dodging kiosks and
other strollers, Ben was screaming "I want a kitty" at the top of his
lungs, but it sounded a lot more like "I want a tittie!", causing
several Hollister-clad teenaged boys to yell back "Don't we all?" as we
raced past them. By that point I was simultaneously laughing so hard
that tears were streaming down my face and swearing to myself that I
would show my son's naked baby pictures to every single girl who ever
came to our house, for as long as I lived. That's right, my child was barely old enough to speak and I was plotting revenge. I can't imagine why Beyonce won Mother-of-the-year and not me.
Confession #2: One of my favorite kid-friendly ways of expressing anger or frustration (i.e. swearing without actually swearing) is to shake my head and go "Oh for the love of donuts!". Sounds innocent enough, but if my kids had any idea the words that my seemingly innocuous phase was replacing, their ears would probably bleed. And fall off. I suspect Layla is beginning to catch on because now she'll respond, "Wow Mom, you must love donuts. You talk about them all the time." My bad.
Confession #3: Because I stay home with the kids all day and essentially have to be the bad guy 95% of the time, I feel somewhat entitled to pawn off things like telling the kids bad news ("It's raining, so we can't go to the State Fair today" and the like) on Josh. Yes, I play my "Uh...I don't know, ask your dad when he gets home" card from time-to-time. And I feel really bad about it...Sometimes.
Confession #4: When the kids are playing together in their room, I occasionally yell "Hey! I heard that!" from somewhere else in the house when in actuality, I heard nothing at all. I'm hoping if they think I have super-human hearing powers they'll behave better. Or they just think I'm crazy.
Confession #5: Yogurt-covered raisins are not candy, but don't tell my kids that. Broccoli also doesn't make you fly if you eat it for the first twenty years of your life, but don't tell me kids that either. It's not lying, it's genuine concern for their health and well-being. At least, that's what I tell myself as I quietly save up for their future therapy.
Confession #6: Layla is a talker. She talks, talks, talks, talks all day and occasionally in her sleep at night. Six out of seven days, I find her hilarious and entertaining and am proud of her vocabulary and ability to articulate herself as well as she does. On the seventh day I give her a dollar to stop talking for ten minutes. Because really, even God got a break on the seventh day.
Confession #7: The other day Ben walked into the kitchen and asked me what I was eating. I said carrots. They were actually Cheetos. I maintain that I just care about their health and the event in question had nothing to do with the fact that I'm almost thirty years old and I still don't share well with others.
Confession #8: Speaking of Cheetos, when I was pregnant with Ben I had such vicious Cheetos cravings that I was in a constant state of orange-stained fingers and had a terrifying, reoccurring dream about giving birth to a giant diaper-clad Cheeto. Oh, and I always told Layla they were carrots too.
Confession #9: Layla has always been my good sleeper. Ben, not so much. He's getting better, but I still have to sit with him in his room at night until he falls asleep. I used to sit on his bed and hold his hand, but now I just sit on the ground in the middle of the room (progress!). I don't talk, or sing, or touch, I just sit there. And now I live in constant fear of how this will play out later in his life. I'm pretty sure that telling his future wife "I'm sorry, honey, but my mom has to come in here and stare at us for twenty minutes or I just can't manage to fall asleep" will not go over well.
Confession #10: Last week, a little boy at Layla's school smiled at her and I was amazed at my level of rage and quantity of "I want to kill that kid" thoughts that rose up within me. Ben, on the other hand, flirts with everyone from little babies to the eighty-seven year old receptionist at his Preschool. I don't think twice about it. Why? Do I already have double standards when it comes to my kids? I think I need to buy more Tums.
Confession #11: I have actually uttered the phrase "Don't make me turn this car around". Worse, I meant it.
Confession #12: I have a frequent and insistent daydream. I'm lying on the couch reading a book. That's it. I'm not daydreaming about winning the lottery or the drummer from Vampire Weekend. Just lying on a couch, in a quiet room, reading a book because honestly, that scenario is less likely to happen than winning the lottery and having the drummer from Vampire Weekend present me with the check. And I will confess that some days, I'm not entirely okay with that fact.
Confession #13: As infants, both of my children spit-up in my mouth. Yes, both. You would think that I learned the whole "don't hold a baby up in the air right over your face mere moments after they ate pureed beets " thing with Layla, but I didn't.
Confession #14: Layla acts exactly like me. She talks like me, she stands like me, she has a snarky attitude like me. 90% of the time she spends in time-out is for doing something that I probably would have done too. Ben is sweet and jolly and gets away with murder because he reminds me so much of Josh. This is gonna get interesting...
What can I say? Every day I try to laugh off my imperfections as a parent and to remind myself that perfection doesn't really exist. I try to save my crazy OCD level of perfectionism for things I can control, like what I write, how well I do in school, and the frequency and volume I employ when yelling at the TV. I can't control, and don't want to control, people, especially my kids. As long as they don't suffer from the fact that Josh and I are really just making this up as we go, then I think everyone wins in the end.
And if nothing else, imperfect stories are much more entertaining.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
The Good, The Bad, And The Romney
They say ignorance is bliss. And while ignorance certainly comes with less research, less nervous pacing, less acid reflux, and certainly less yelling at your television, ignorance is not bliss. Ignorance is ignorant. Information is bliss.
And with a much-anticipated Presidential election a mere two months away, information is everywhere. Unfortunately, so is ignorance.
Before I get too ahead of myself, I want to make one thing clear: I don't think you're ignorant if you vote Republican. I don't think you're ignorant if you vote Democrat. I don't think you're ignorant if you vote Independent. In fact, I don't even think you're ignorant if you don't vote for any candidate for President at all. That's the great thing about this country: Choice. If you don't like one guy, vote for the other guy. If you don't like any of the guys, don't vote for anyone. The choice is yours, as long as it's yours and not CNN's, or Fox New's, or the lone guy who protests absolutely everything at a college campus near you. In other words, opinions are everywhere, screaming at you from every TV show, magazine, and Facebook status. It's just a matter of what you choose to take seriously.
In case you guys are all living under rocks and have managed not to notice, many of the issues surrounding this year's election are incredibly sensitive to many people in many ways. Because of this, politicians (both left and right) have begun taking definitive stands on these controversial issues. And while each candidate wants to say the other is "dividing our country" the truth is, they all are. Everyone in politics is. We divide ourselves without even realizing we're doing it. I see a million Facebook posts a day: If you are FOR "The Family" and AGAINST abortion, vote for Romney! If you are FOR equal rights and AGAINST making abortion illegal, vote for Obama! According to the world around us, it's simple. You are either FOR or AGAINST.
Or are you?
The truth is, none of it is as simple as we might like to think. A presidential election isn't black and white, it's 50 shades of grey (sorry, had to be done!) This grey area is where we all run into problems. What happens if you are for equal rights (AKA gay marriage), but against abortion? Who do you vote for then? Or what if you like the idea of smaller government, insofar as the smaller government doesn't start outlawing things like gay marriage or abortion (which actually, while I'm on the topic, I need a Republican to explain to me how that works, because I would think that smaller government would equal less laws and less being in everyone's business...? No sarcasm, serious question. Someone get Condi Rice on the phone ASAP).
All joking aside, there is a serious lack of middle ground in politics and that's frightening in a world where virtually nothing is cut-and-dried. Sure, we technically have a third party here in the good ole U-S of A, but honestly, who takes it seriously? Remember Ross Perot? Ross Perot was basically made into a caricature and was essentially a walking, talking wet dream for Saturday Night Live writers. For all any of us can remember, he could have actually had some great ideas but when I think of him, my brain instantly conjures up Dana Carvey in a bald cap with his ears sticking out, intentionally doing the worst impression of a Southern accent known to man while I laughed my butt off. I remember very little of the actual Ross Perot. A few months ago Rosanne was claiming (threatening, really) to run for President under the Libertarian party. So there that is. Gary Johnson, the rumored real candidate and former Governor of my home state (Everyone's a Lobo! Woof! Woof! Woof!) has some decent, though vague, policies and ideas for improvement. Too bad most of us will never get to hear any of them, as he's not even allowed to come on TV and debate with the big dogs. Honestly, what's up with that? Are we humoring poor Gary by letting him be on the ballad when clearly no one up in Washington is thinking he's a viable option? Do you think Barrack and Mitt are worried about Gary sweeping in and winning? Probably not. We keep having elections based on this "lesser of two evils" concept, so really no matter who you vote for, you lose something (except for the 2000 election, which I will remain bitter and angry about until the end of time because I truly believe everything was lost in that one. I love you, Al!). Until we have a legitimate Libertarian party, elections will never truly be fair, because we will continue to never be fully informed about this mysterious third party we all keep hearing so little about.
This long, seemingly pointless tangent all comes back to one thing: Information. Know who you're voting for and why you're voting for him. More importantly, if we're all going to vote, we should vow to not take a leap-year approach to voting. As in, don't just vote every four years. If politics in general and my lone semester as a political science major have taught me nothing else (aside from the fact that if I ever went into career politics I'd have a full head of grey hair and a serious drinking problem), it's that the President is just the head. The Congress, House of Representatives and Senate are the neck. Local elections MATTER, they might even matter more than the Presidential election. If you feel you identify more with a Republican president than a Democratic president, I can tell you it's not going to matter much when the House or Senate or Congress is run by a majority of Democrats and the issues you believe in get buried or overruled (trust me, I just spent four years watching it happen). I pride myself on staying informed (I want to make Peter Jennings proud, after all), but when it comes to politics, the same rule my mom always told me about girls in high school who would say nasty things to me still applies: Consider the source. And yes, Liberal media has a slant and Conservative media has a slant, but do you know what doesn't have a slant? Government records. If you really care about repealing Obama Care, don't say it needs to be done just because Glen Beck says Obama Care is unconstitutional. Read the bill and decide for yourself. In fact, you can read it right here. It's a doozie and will probably cure any insomnia problems you have had in the last twenty years, but there it is, unbiased and without commentary from either side. Information like this is public information and incredibly easy to come by. While I'm certainly not suggesting we all become policy experts (and in fairness, I'm using Obama Care as an example of ONE bill, so simmer down), it wouldn't kill us to know what these bills are actually about and to know what's really behind them. Can you imagine what it would be like if we were all that well-informed?
One final thought: We recently had a few friends over for dinner and naturally, the conversation turned to politics. One friend said he wasn't voting for Obama because he was a "Dishonest man". My initial response: Shock! Gasp! A dishonest politician! Say it ain't so! But the point I think (I hope, anyway) he was trying to make is that the word "Politician" is synonymous with the word "shmoozer" because they are all experts at saying what they know the voters want to hear in order to obtain the most votes. It's cynical and it sucks, but unfortunately true in most cases. The purpose of a campaign platform and endless campaign promises is to get the voter on your side, for said voter to see you as the only real option when election day rolls around. That being said, when pressed on why he found Obama dishonest, he couldn't really give a good reason why. This might irritate me more than anything else in politics. It's your right to think Obama was a terrible President because he did nothing for the economy and he wasted too much time with his own personal agenda. I don't necessarily agree with you, but I respect a direct, concise, researched opinion, as long as you can respect a direct, concise, researched rebuttal to your opinion. Having an opinion, but not knowing why you have it, in the day and age we live in is absolutely unacceptable. Information is all around you. And while the Republican and Democratic National Conventions are entertaining as hell (we REALLY know how to make a speech here in America!) I don't necessarily count them as informative. It goes back to the shmoozer factor. Of course any politician will tell you they voted for something "popular" or against something "unpopular", but again, how they voted is also public information that you can see right here. The internet, people, is a beautiful thing.
If you take nothing else away from this blog, please take this: I implore you to weigh your options in the upcoming election. Don't vote for someone because Clint Eastwood and his chair like him, or because he looks especially handsome in the reflection of Joe Biden's dentures, or because you'd want to do yoga with his wife. Learn everything you can and make the best, informed decision that is right for you. Research is as easy as a click of a mouse. So click.
And with a much-anticipated Presidential election a mere two months away, information is everywhere. Unfortunately, so is ignorance.
Before I get too ahead of myself, I want to make one thing clear: I don't think you're ignorant if you vote Republican. I don't think you're ignorant if you vote Democrat. I don't think you're ignorant if you vote Independent. In fact, I don't even think you're ignorant if you don't vote for any candidate for President at all. That's the great thing about this country: Choice. If you don't like one guy, vote for the other guy. If you don't like any of the guys, don't vote for anyone. The choice is yours, as long as it's yours and not CNN's, or Fox New's, or the lone guy who protests absolutely everything at a college campus near you. In other words, opinions are everywhere, screaming at you from every TV show, magazine, and Facebook status. It's just a matter of what you choose to take seriously.
In case you guys are all living under rocks and have managed not to notice, many of the issues surrounding this year's election are incredibly sensitive to many people in many ways. Because of this, politicians (both left and right) have begun taking definitive stands on these controversial issues. And while each candidate wants to say the other is "dividing our country" the truth is, they all are. Everyone in politics is. We divide ourselves without even realizing we're doing it. I see a million Facebook posts a day: If you are FOR "The Family" and AGAINST abortion, vote for Romney! If you are FOR equal rights and AGAINST making abortion illegal, vote for Obama! According to the world around us, it's simple. You are either FOR or AGAINST.
Or are you?
The truth is, none of it is as simple as we might like to think. A presidential election isn't black and white, it's 50 shades of grey (sorry, had to be done!) This grey area is where we all run into problems. What happens if you are for equal rights (AKA gay marriage), but against abortion? Who do you vote for then? Or what if you like the idea of smaller government, insofar as the smaller government doesn't start outlawing things like gay marriage or abortion (which actually, while I'm on the topic, I need a Republican to explain to me how that works, because I would think that smaller government would equal less laws and less being in everyone's business...? No sarcasm, serious question. Someone get Condi Rice on the phone ASAP).
All joking aside, there is a serious lack of middle ground in politics and that's frightening in a world where virtually nothing is cut-and-dried. Sure, we technically have a third party here in the good ole U-S of A, but honestly, who takes it seriously? Remember Ross Perot? Ross Perot was basically made into a caricature and was essentially a walking, talking wet dream for Saturday Night Live writers. For all any of us can remember, he could have actually had some great ideas but when I think of him, my brain instantly conjures up Dana Carvey in a bald cap with his ears sticking out, intentionally doing the worst impression of a Southern accent known to man while I laughed my butt off. I remember very little of the actual Ross Perot. A few months ago Rosanne was claiming (threatening, really) to run for President under the Libertarian party. So there that is. Gary Johnson, the rumored real candidate and former Governor of my home state (Everyone's a Lobo! Woof! Woof! Woof!) has some decent, though vague, policies and ideas for improvement. Too bad most of us will never get to hear any of them, as he's not even allowed to come on TV and debate with the big dogs. Honestly, what's up with that? Are we humoring poor Gary by letting him be on the ballad when clearly no one up in Washington is thinking he's a viable option? Do you think Barrack and Mitt are worried about Gary sweeping in and winning? Probably not. We keep having elections based on this "lesser of two evils" concept, so really no matter who you vote for, you lose something (except for the 2000 election, which I will remain bitter and angry about until the end of time because I truly believe everything was lost in that one. I love you, Al!). Until we have a legitimate Libertarian party, elections will never truly be fair, because we will continue to never be fully informed about this mysterious third party we all keep hearing so little about.
This long, seemingly pointless tangent all comes back to one thing: Information. Know who you're voting for and why you're voting for him. More importantly, if we're all going to vote, we should vow to not take a leap-year approach to voting. As in, don't just vote every four years. If politics in general and my lone semester as a political science major have taught me nothing else (aside from the fact that if I ever went into career politics I'd have a full head of grey hair and a serious drinking problem), it's that the President is just the head. The Congress, House of Representatives and Senate are the neck. Local elections MATTER, they might even matter more than the Presidential election. If you feel you identify more with a Republican president than a Democratic president, I can tell you it's not going to matter much when the House or Senate or Congress is run by a majority of Democrats and the issues you believe in get buried or overruled (trust me, I just spent four years watching it happen). I pride myself on staying informed (I want to make Peter Jennings proud, after all), but when it comes to politics, the same rule my mom always told me about girls in high school who would say nasty things to me still applies: Consider the source. And yes, Liberal media has a slant and Conservative media has a slant, but do you know what doesn't have a slant? Government records. If you really care about repealing Obama Care, don't say it needs to be done just because Glen Beck says Obama Care is unconstitutional. Read the bill and decide for yourself. In fact, you can read it right here. It's a doozie and will probably cure any insomnia problems you have had in the last twenty years, but there it is, unbiased and without commentary from either side. Information like this is public information and incredibly easy to come by. While I'm certainly not suggesting we all become policy experts (and in fairness, I'm using Obama Care as an example of ONE bill, so simmer down), it wouldn't kill us to know what these bills are actually about and to know what's really behind them. Can you imagine what it would be like if we were all that well-informed?
One final thought: We recently had a few friends over for dinner and naturally, the conversation turned to politics. One friend said he wasn't voting for Obama because he was a "Dishonest man". My initial response: Shock! Gasp! A dishonest politician! Say it ain't so! But the point I think (I hope, anyway) he was trying to make is that the word "Politician" is synonymous with the word "shmoozer" because they are all experts at saying what they know the voters want to hear in order to obtain the most votes. It's cynical and it sucks, but unfortunately true in most cases. The purpose of a campaign platform and endless campaign promises is to get the voter on your side, for said voter to see you as the only real option when election day rolls around. That being said, when pressed on why he found Obama dishonest, he couldn't really give a good reason why. This might irritate me more than anything else in politics. It's your right to think Obama was a terrible President because he did nothing for the economy and he wasted too much time with his own personal agenda. I don't necessarily agree with you, but I respect a direct, concise, researched opinion, as long as you can respect a direct, concise, researched rebuttal to your opinion. Having an opinion, but not knowing why you have it, in the day and age we live in is absolutely unacceptable. Information is all around you. And while the Republican and Democratic National Conventions are entertaining as hell (we REALLY know how to make a speech here in America!) I don't necessarily count them as informative. It goes back to the shmoozer factor. Of course any politician will tell you they voted for something "popular" or against something "unpopular", but again, how they voted is also public information that you can see right here. The internet, people, is a beautiful thing.
If you take nothing else away from this blog, please take this: I implore you to weigh your options in the upcoming election. Don't vote for someone because Clint Eastwood and his chair like him, or because he looks especially handsome in the reflection of Joe Biden's dentures, or because you'd want to do yoga with his wife. Learn everything you can and make the best, informed decision that is right for you. Research is as easy as a click of a mouse. So click.
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