50 Shades Of Oy Vey

I have an issue. A big one.

As I've mentioned before I'm an avid reader and as a general rule of thumb, I think reading is a great way to spend your time, whether you're reading ESPN magazine or Charles Dickens. I've always believed reading expands your mind and improves your vocabulary in such a drastic way that it really doesn't matter what you're reading as long as you're reading something.

That is, until now.

For months I'd been hearing about the "Fifty Shades" trilogy. Written by an unknown mother-of-two, it became an instant sensation subsequently making the New York Times Bestseller List its bitch in practically no time at all after being released. Everyone from Ellen Degeneres to the moms at the school drop-off were talking about the books. Raving about them, actually. Everyone said they were dark, they were sexy, and they would leave the reader utterly captivated.

Everyone was wrong.

A few weeks ago when Josh gave me the trilogy for Mother's Day and I practically did back-flips across my living room out of sheer joy and excitement. Finally! The books I'd heard so much about! I dove into them immediately, with what I have to admit was the highest of expectations. Sure the hype surrounding the books was a big factor, but even more so was the fact they were written by someone completely unknown, and a stay-at-home mom of two at that. So right off the bat, I felt a certain sense of "Solidarity, sister!" and more than a little hopeful that if this woman could do it then hey, maybe I could too. And then I had to ruin it by actually reading the books.

I'm neither talented nor patient enough to sit here and give you all an actual review of the combined 1,600+ pages of these books, but here's my four sentence synopsis. The books follow the tumultuous relationship between Anastasia Steele, a character so grating and annoying she makes Bella what's-her-face from the 'Twilight' series come off like the Dali Lama, and Christian Grey, a controlling, domineering psychopath gazillionaire whose traumatic childhood is supposed to serve as a plausible excuse for an addiction to S&M. It's the classic "boy meets girl, boy wants to do kinky things, but girl is so amazing that boy decides to change his whole whips and chains lifestyle to accommodate her". It's extremely heavy on the sex, extremely light on plot, and basically reads like a rejected scrip for a Lifetime made-for-TV movie. It's unrealistic in every sense of the word and equal parts cheesy and gag-worthy (for instance, I am in no way a prude, but I honestly could have gone my whole life without knowing what an anal plug was...Yowza) and frankly not worth the paper they're printed on.

I know that sounds harsh and makes me sound like a real bonafide literary douche bag, so I feel like now would be a good time to confess to you guys that under ordinary circumstances, I absolutely love chick lit. My love for the genre is my dirty little secret and there's nothing more I love on a stressful day than a fun, easy read to take me away to another world. What I'm trying to say here is, despite what you're about to read, I am by no means a book snob. The problem is, these particular books aren't fun, the characters are so unrealistic and two-dimensional that it makes reading about them feel like a chore, and whatever place the writer is trying to take me to is a place I don't think I really want to go. And as much as I want to maintain my feeling of solidarity with a fellow writer mom and applaud her success, I've found that I just can't. And the reason that I can't is because I'm baffled about why these books are so successful in the first place.

Allow me, if you will, to climb back up on my soapbox for a minute. After reading these books, I was retrospectively amazed that they were written by a woman, and a mother at that, as opposed to a horny eighth grade boy. The writing is cringe-worthy, unless you happen to love reading the phrases "sultry grey eyes" or "looked up at him through my lashes" over and over again, in which case, read these books, please, because you will probably love them and forever hate that random raving domestic diva lunatic who wouldn't even use them for kindle in her fireplace. However, if you're willing to bear with me for a minute, I feel like I have some good reasons behind disliking these books.

First and foremost, let's take a minute to be honest here. These books are popular because they "push the envelope" and this might be my biggest issue of all. I'm all for testing your boundaries, challenging yourself, and making the world notice you because you don't do everything like everyone else. I'm just tired of seeing the envelope pushed in what I feel is the wrong direction. In other words, I'm tired of the shock value. I'm sick of people being famous for being controversial, loud-mouthed or just plain ridiculous (Snooki, anyone?!). I can tell you why these books are so famous in three letters: S-E-X. That's it. They're not popular because they are well-written, they're not popular because they will make you think about the world in a way you never have before, they're popular because every five pages there's a long, drawn out, descriptive sex scene. Basically, it's book porn and I personally thought the sex factor got old fast, but from what I've heard, it's precisely that factor that made most people keep coming back for more. It's the old adage that sex sells and it must be true since all three books continue to dominate (no pun intended) the top three positions on the New York Times Best seller list for fourteen consecutive weeks, which in my humble opinion just proves that sex, controversy, and our addiction to peeking into other people's lives via reality TV are the ingredients for making millions.

Secondly, these books light the fire under countless improbable myths about relationships. The books are a "will they/won't they" emotional roller coaster filled with drama from beginning to end. I repeatedly wanted to reach through the books and slap the characters (though probably not in the way they would have wanted, if you catch my drift) because I want to know where the law is that relationships have to be dramatic. They don't. I am by no means a relationship expert, but I do know that you don't have to get over a big, dramatic hurdle in order to have a successful relationship. What's worse is that these two characters are in no way compatible with one another, but along comes the contemptible Anastasia Steele who decides that if she doesn't like this guy the way he is, she will simply change him. And she does so successfully. HELLO! Red flag, anyone? Rule number one of relationships is the same thing I tell my kids when I make them broccoli for dinner: "You get what you get and you don't get upset". Here in reality, there is no magically changing someone. You either love people for who they are or you move on. These books further contribute to the Disney Princess inspired/Meg Ryan movie ideals of what a relationship "should" be like and our collective misconstrued perceptions are probably why most relationships don't work out in the first place.There is no "should". There are happy relationships but no magical "happily ever after" and certainly no Christian Grey coming to rescue you from your woes in his own personal helicopter. Sorry kids, it just doesn't work that way. These books facilitate so many nonsensical beliefs that I'd suggest they be banned, if only they wouldn't be joining the ranks of actual brilliant works like "To Kill A Mockingbird" or "Catcher In The Rye" and thereby be placed on a literary pedestal until the end of time. And believe me when I say that is the absolute last thing I want to see happen to these books.

By now you might be thinking that I'm reading entirely too much into what are supposed to be fun books and I will admit that you're probably right. It's not like someone held a gun to my head to read them, so maybe I should just sit back with the rest of the world and accept whatever garbage is slung my way because at least people are still making an effort to write books. But maybe I shouldn't. And maybe you shouldn't either. Maybe we should consider raising our standards. Maybe it's time to push the envelope in the right direction for a change.

Until then..."Laters, baby"...