My Soapbox: LEAVE WOMEN ALONE!!

There is something seriously wrong with the world right now.

I began  to realize this fact the day that I signed onto Facebook and saw the article that shall live in infamy; "Plus-sized model fired for being too fat". As it turns out, this "plus-sized" model in question is a size ten and the "new plus size" is a size 8. I must have read the article ten times, convinced that I must have read it wrong. When I finally realized I hadn't, I considered pinching myself really hard because I obviously needed to wake up from this horrible nightmare where everything in the world was completely backwards. Size 8 is not plus-sized, it's not even big. At all. It's average at worst and even then it's on the small side of average. It's the "after" picture, not the "before" picture. It is, without a doubt, absolutely ridiculous and sets yet another impossible-to-achieve standard of beauty for women. Just what we need. Thanks for that.

Weeks passed, and I managed to lick my wounds. And then Karl Lagerfeld had to open his mouth.

Anyone who has talked to me for longer than five seconds knows that I absolutely love Adele. I mean come on, who doesn't?! Well, apparently not designer Karl Lagerfeld who thinks Adele is "a bit too fat". And that's all he has to say about her. Never mind the fact that she has an amazing voice, ridiculous song-writing abilities, is hilarious and not to mention a freaking knock-out. All he sees when he looks at this amazingly talented woman is fat. Granted, he is a fashion designer who is used to being surrounded by people who think that a stalk of celery and air is the equivalent to a Thanksgiving dinner and he probably thinks anyone beyond a size zero is a fat load. That's the "reality" in his sick, sad little world. In the meantime,  back in the actual real world, did anyone else notice that it's totally okay for him to look like a Muppet and criticize everyone else's appearance? I sincerely hope that I run into that guy someday. I'll take him to a buffet, tie him to a chair and force him to watch me eat every last, delightful, greasy bite while explaining that eating and exercise, not starving yourself, is the way to go through life while maintaining your sanity. That healthy is more important than skinny. That real women eat and real women like it. So back off, fancy pants.

I wish I could say that my soapbox ends here. That the men of the world realized that they were all making us feel horrible and banded together to support the greatness that is the women of the world. But unless you live under a rock, you know that that's not how this story ends. Instead there seemed to be some kind of universal mutual decision that if judging us by our looks couldn't break us, then judging us by our lifestyle choices might do the trick.

I have a theory. Based on the recent comments of Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, and Rush Limbaugh I can only assume that they've all given up the facade of being decent human beings, have given in to the "shock factor" of politics a bit too much, and overall just want Obama to win a re-election. Don't get me wrong, the end result is just fine with me, but I would greatly appreciate it if they could leave my rights as a human being out of their campaign. That's right guys, my rights as a human being. I know I'm just a lowly woman who needs to shut up and get back to the kitchen where she belongs, but I do actually have constitutional rights (you know, guys! the constitution! Forefathers! Equality! Why do the Republican buzz words suddenly lose meaning for you when they come from a  woman??). I should pause right here to say that I really, really  hate to make this a Republican thing, but it is what it is. I know a lot of conservative Republicans and they're even shocked by the nonsense going on right now. Even Sarah Palin finds your actions appalling!  So let's break down the issues, shall we?

First and foremost, planned parenthood and abortions are not necessarily mutually exclusive. In other words, you can go to Planned Parenthood for other things. Great things, in fact! Things like free healthcare, free consoling, and free contraception. Oh but wait, contraception is bad, right? We shouldn't be allowed to be on birth control because if we are, more babies will be born out of wedlock! And need food stamps! And health care! And government assistance! Oh my! 

But hang on a second, let's deconstruct that sentence. If we are on birth control (which prevents pregnancy) then more babies will be born out of wedlock (more babies? I thought we were preventing pregnancy here..?). Maybe it's just because I'm a lowly, stupid woman (see above, re: needs to shut up and get back to the kitchen) but that makes zero sense to me. Enter Rush Limbaugh, who explains so kindly, intelligently, and respectfully, that the solution to the problem is so simple! Stop giving the sluts birth control! Because nothing stops babies being born out of wedlock like not using birth control, right? Oh and a panel discussion about birth control rights where only men could go and speak? Classy. I bet you wish you could still order for us in restaurants and refer to us as your "little lady", right?

Oh I know, you guys wish we could go back to the "good old days" when "women acted like ladies" and a baby born out of wedlock only happened to the "bad" family and no one else. When we were good little girls who gave a crap if you thought we were fat, and immediately starved ourselves the instant our looks weren't exactly to your liking. Back when we aimed to please. Better yet, back when all you had to do was hit us over the head with the biggest rock you could find and drag us back to your cave. Good times.

Guys, please, please explain to me what is it about women that you're so opposed to! Are you intimidated? Threatened? Or are you just plain stupid? Isn't it bad enough that women are horrible to each other without you chiming in?! Furthermore, don't you realize that by saying and doing these things that you're giving the kind, considerate, good guys a bad name? That you're dragging them down with you? Or do you just not care?

Here's my rant in a nutshell: Do not take away our rights. Re-read a little thing called the 19th amendment (Yes! We can vote! And we sure as hell aren't voting for you!). Do not call us fat. Do not call us sluts. In fact, erase both of those words from your already limited vocabulary and never, ever use them again. Remember that we are human beings just like you. We will fight for ourselves and our daughters and our daughter's daughters. Stop foolishly attaching your names to the words "Christian values". Because if that's what you have, then you're sure not acting like it. Most of all, remember who brought you into this world. That's right, women. We brought you into it and we can take you out of it. LEAVE US ALONE.

Thanks, I feel much better now.