Never Buy A Feather Boa And Eleven Other Lessons From 2012

The Twelve Lessons I learned in 2012:

1) Never buy a feather boa. I can't explain why or how, but they constantly leave a trail of feathers in their wake and never get any smaller or stringier. Every parent longingly waits for the day when they can point to a bald boa and tell their child that the boa (finally, FINALLY) has to be thrown away. The only problem is that no matter how many hours you spend vacuuming up hot pink feathers, that day never comes. So never buy a feather boa, no matter how much better you feel about doing calculus homework when you wear it. I mean, your kid! Never buy one for your kid!

2) Never attempt to build a gingerbread house without a gingerbread house kit unless you have a degree (preferably masters or higher) in either architecture, construction, civil engineering, or design. If you try to construct a homemade gingerbread house without the proper credentials, you WILL fail. Or worse, you will sit at the table with a half-constructed house debating whether gum drops or Skittles make better re-enforcers for your tootsie roll mailbox, refusing to fail. Either way, your kid will lose interest long before you do and you will hate all those know-it-alls on Pinterest with their perfect gingerbread houses complete with blue m&m moats containing leaping (how?!) Swedish Fish. Show offs.

3) Sometimes you are the parent that is all patience, goodness, and light. And sometimes you are the parent who has to put a dollar in the swear jar more frequently than you'd like to admit. I don't want to say which one I am, but I will say that there are a hell of a lot of dollars in that damn jar.

4) If you are not a do-it-yourself person then you really shouldn't try to do it yourself. Pinterest kept me captivated for about the first half of the year and I was constantly pinning crazy things that I swore I would try. However, my first (and only) Pinterest attempt of making a homemade face mask left me with a face so bright orange that the cast of Jersey Shore was jealous. Luckily, I aim to surround myself with people who are much, much smarter than me just in case I need to be bailed out of ridiculous situations and one of my best friends was able to come to the rescue. After she stopped laughing at me.

5) Read the article, not the comments. Every single time, I get sucked into some little virtual argument over something so completely out there that I wind up depressed and pessimistic, questioning the mental state of the world. I don't recommend it.

6) I also don't recommend taking Nyquil before watching four back-to-back episodes of Breaking Bad. I can pretty much guarantee that you will have the most terrifying dreams of your life, so consider yourselves warned.

7) Someday you will be somewhere without the kids and start humming to yourself. "What is the lovely song that's stuck in my head?" you will wonder until it dawns on you that it's the theme song from Yo Gabba Gabba. I can't lie; it's a pretty low moment.

8) Sometime the world is dark, scary, and beyond comprehension. Sometimes I just want to barricade myself inside my house, grow all of my own food, sew all of my own clothes, make my own power generator, make beer in the bathtub...you know, really let all of my inner crazy come out. But throwing the covers over my head in the morning while yelling "Leave me alone! I have agoraphobia like Paula Deen!" is not only ridiculously false, but also helps no one. No matter how violent and unmanageable the world seems, the show must go on.

9) It's always a good idea to aspire to write a post-apocalyptic Pauly Shore movie with your funniest friend. Even if it never happens, the brain-storming sessions alone are good for a laugh.

10) I always figured I would become looser and more laid-back the older I got, but I've found the complete opposite happening. Every day I'm just a little more neurotic and crazy. It's like I'm slowly morphing into Woody Allen with a lot more hair and a lot less talent and success.

11) As an aspiring writer living in a world where no one really likes to read, I've had my fair share of rejection. Rejection sucks for the obvious reasons, but also sucks because it is so impersonal. There's no "We know you put hard work and your entire soul into writing this, but we just don't need it right now". There's not even a "It's not you, it's us" formality. It's just no. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that a "no" will eventually turn into a "yes".

12) A sense of humor will get you through anything. One of the best parts of my marriage is that we can always make each other laugh, no matter how hard life can feel. The whole "laughter is the best medicine" thing sounds like a cheesy cliche, but it's true. And I'm lucky to be married to someone I can wet-willy photo-bomb while he tries to balance a spoon on his nose. It doesn't get much better than that.


 Happy New Year, Everyone!