Defeating My Inner Kristen Stewart

I have news. The ABQ Sun Post (The lovely online newspaper responsible for my internship/employment and subsequent feeling of responsible adulthood) decided to close its virtual doors and as of right this second, is officially no more. Fini, finis, finito. Done.

But honestly, this isn't exactly new news. In fact, it's about two weeks old. And yet, aside from my husband, best friend, and emails to the last two people that I interviewed (to basically apologize for wasting their time), I didn't say a word about it. And if you've ever read my never-ending-frighteningly-random-every-thought-that-pops-into-my-head outlook on life (AKA my Twitter feed ), you know that that's nothing short of amazing. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find the words. Instead, I sat down every day for two weeks staring at a blinking cursor, unable to string together a coherent sentence. As the days continued to tick by, a single thought kept rumbling around my (otherwise blank) mind: When God closes a door, He opens a window. For you to jump out of.

Initially, I was mad at myself being so negative and for my overall Debbie Downer reaction. I mean, come on, was it really that big of a deal? Things come and go. If I'm looking at the big picture that is my life, this is hopefully nothing but an anecdote to tell someday while shrugging my shoulders good-naturally and saying "Oh well! These things happen, and it wasn't really that big of a deal in the long run". My reaction was overly dramatic (I mean, 'a window to jump out of'? Really?), kind of whiny, and downright morose. Which is weird, because though I can't pinpoint the exact moment that I turned into Kristen Steward, it obviously happened somewhere along the line. And it wasn't pretty.

I think she's actually smiling in this one.

However, when the words to this blog finally started to come to me, I realized that maybe my negative reaction wasn't so negative after all. Jumping out of windows doesn't necessarily equal imminent doom (at least metaphorically, if you jump out of an actual window you'll break something at the very least, so...don't). Jumping out of an open (again, metaphorical) window can also mean risk, which can be a good thing. Every big choice and big decision is a risk. It was a risk to go on an interview for a job I found on Craig's list and yet here I am, decidedly un-murdered. It was a risk to have kids. It was a risk to get married. It's a risk to walk out of the door every morning under the assumption that I won't be hit by a bus, clubbed over the head with a blunt object, or talked  into voting Republican. You get the idea. All of the best things I've learned in life are derived from risk, mostly because for me, a big part of risk involves doing things that I didn't think I could ever be capable of doing.

For example...

Despite the fact that I want to be a writer, I had never considered journalism in any form as a possible career choice, really for no reason other than the fact that I prefer to spew my crazy opinions slightly anonymously and from behind the safety of a computer. I've always said that I'm better in writing than in person because I am not what you would call a gifted small-talker. Actually, I'm the soul-sucking worst. I'm highly likely to comment on the weather at least five times within a two minute conversation (It's like a tick that I have no control over and it's awful). And the worst part is, this is how I am with the people who know me. Small talk with strangers is so cringe-worthy it's practically indescribable. So, as you can probably imagine, even the thought of interviewing someone did nothing short of terrify me. But I found that after nervously fumbling my way through my first few interviews, they actually started to feel like a lot of fun and I found that I really enjoyed the whole process.I liked researching people because it gave me an excuse to be nosy and call it work. I liked trying to write really good questions that would stump people, but I also I loved the people who were so passionate about whatever we were talking about that they answered the questions I didn't even think to ask. As luck would have it, I didn't have to worry about nervously commenting on the weather or really talking much at all, because it turns out that practically everyone loves the opportunity to talk about themselves or something they care about. In fact, I was endlessly amazed at the things people were willing to tell a perfect stranger. I had one or two interviews that felt closer to a therapy sessions than interviews (A few people cried, I awkwardly patted them on the shoulder, and all parties involved were more or less unscathed by the experience). I learned how to cold call someone for an interview (I heard "You're who from what?" more times than I was able to keep track of ) and how to walk up to a stranger and hand them a business card. The crazy thing was, I surprised myself by liking it. A lot. I think I may have been a closet extrovert this whole time.

But as with most things in life, not everything was sunshine and rainbows. I learned a few hard lessons too, the hardest being how to handle my work being edited by someone else. I have grown so accustomed to my own (rambling) brand of (nonsense) writing that the first time something I wrote was edited down to nothing, it shocked the hell out of me. It felt like getting rejected by the person you're secretly in love with, walking around all day with your skirt tucked into your underwear, and being punched in the face by Andre the Giant all rolled into one. It was devastating (And even though I was mostly used to it by the end, it still stung a little every time, even when only a word or two was changed). I also realized that writing about after-school programs and standardized testing every week isn't anywhere near what I want to write about for the rest of my life. I got really, really sick of it, actually. But I tried to focus on all of that wonderful, resume-fattening writing experience I was getting and I was also able to sneak a few non-kid-related stories in too to keep my sanity. But overall, it was a positive experience and there's something strangely positive about figuring out what you don't want to do, in a crossing-something-off-the-list, process of elimination kind of way, don't you think? I keep thinking that maybe if I can keep crossing things off my "Doesn't really do it for me" list, I can finally figure out what actually does work for me and go from there.

Or maybe I'm just a crazy person who thinks of everything as being part of one big To-Do list. Either way.

Regardless, I'm proud to say that I'm finally feeling decidedly less Kristen Stewart about the untimely demise of the ABQ Sun Post. It was a nice, big window to jump out of and I'm glad that I did it. And now I'm finally able to talk about it and make it "Facebook official" as the kids say (The kids still say that right...right?) and also to finish the blog that's been driving me crazy for the last couple of weeks. I'm writing new material (Otherwise known as scheming up new ways to get rejected) and have a great new project with a couple of friends on the horizon, which I predict will punch the universe in the kisser with its utter awesomeness. So yeah. Things are looking up.

The world is full of open windows and I intend to jump out of every single one.