Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning's End

I've spent the last few days in a fog.

Tuesday was the private family viewing for my dad and it was emotional, to say the least. I decided that it would be better if I went rather than if I didn't and despite everything, I'm glad I made the decision. To be honest, driving there I almost turned around a few times. My hands felt numb on the steering wheel and my heart pounded so loud in my chest I was convinced people in other cars could hear it, but in the end, I sucked it up and made it there. Don't ask me why, but for some reason I had assumed that getting up the nerve to go would be the hardest part and it would all be downhill from there.

Unfortunately, I was wrong.

My mistake was assuming that because I hadn't seen my dad in twenty years, seeing him like this would be easier because I didn't really remember what he looked like.Walking into the room, my eyes landed on the man lying there and I immediately felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. Because while I technically hadn't seen this person in two decades, he looked like two of the people I love the most in the world and see every day; my brother and my son. It suddenly felt like all of the air had been sucked out of that tiny room. I couldn't stop staring at him. I don't know why I wasn't expecting to see a resemblance, but I wasn't, and especially not such a strong one. It took every ounce of self-restraint that I posses not to turn around and walk out the door.

On top of this, I learned a few things that day. My dad was a Cowboys fan, liked Hawaiian shirts, and apparently wasn't half the douche bag I had assumed he was, at least not in the later part of his life. In fact, everyone there thought he was a pretty great guy, and everyone was eager to go on and on about it, which was hard to swallow. The service was emotional and confusing and made me cry more than I have in the last year, and there are no words to express how glad I was when it was over.

But there is a silver lining; I have a little half-brother. His name is Josh (ironically) and he looks a lot like my other brother (which is weird to say...) only half Filipino. He's fifteen, funny and sweet and, despite all of the crap that's been going through my head, I liked him immediately. His memories of our dad contrast mine so sharply that I've found myself stopping to wonder if we are talking about the same person. In a way, I'm jealous that he has good memories, but then I stop and remind myself that he lost a dad too, a real dad, and I remember that that's nothing to be jealous of.

For the first few days after the service, I found myself feeling extra snappy and irritated. I went out to get something from our storage and when a box fell I kicked it back into place much longer and harder than necessary. I was angry. I found myself thinking constantly of how someone who could be so awful to me could turn around and get it right the second time. I don't know if I'll ever get over that hurt but the difference between now and a week ago is that I think it's okay if I don't. Also, I've found myself talking about my dad more now that I ever have. I used to feel like him leaving was something I should be ashamed of, but I know for certain now that it's not. And I've discovered that I'm not the only one in this situation, I just never knew because I never really let anyone in on that part of  my life. Everyone has been so amazingly supportive.

Above all, I'm more grateful than ever for my big brother Mike. No matter how many blogs I write or stories I tell, no one will ever truly understand this as well as the person who was by my side living through it with me. And I'm grateful to my new little brother Josh too. Not only is he able to tie the bridge between past and present together, he will be a constant reminder that every cloud really does have a silver lining and that when God closes a window, He really does open up a door. I don't have a compartment in my brain or heart yet for the life and passing of my dad, but I already have a place for my new brother. No matter how terrible the circumstances may be, it's comforting to remember that every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.