If there's one thing that you should know about me, it's that Liz Lemon is my spirit animal.
If that sentence means nothing to you, then you probably haven't watched enough 30 Rock in your life and I am both really sad for you and more than willing to help you amend that problem. 30 Rock is my favorite show and I think that it's one of the funniest, smartest, most amazing show to have ever graced my eyeballs A big part of my love for 30 Rock is Tina Fey (Liz Lemon). Tina Fey is my hero. I would do anything to work for her, even if my job entailed lying across puddles so she could walk on my back and not get her shoes wet. I would be that person. And then I would brag about it in my Christmas newsletter (I don't actually have a Christmas newsletter, currently, but if I was Tina Fey's personal puddle coverer, you can bet I'd start one). And Tina is only one of the many talented people that worked for the show. Personally, I am equal parts awed and envious of the insane talent of every single 30 Rock writer and am probably making an idiot out of myself trying to impress one on Twitter as you read this. I would have killed to be one of those writers.
Unfortunately the show ended earlier this year, but it will always remain one of my favorites. Not only is it always hilarious, often ridiculous and frighteningly on-point, it has also provided me with many essential life lessons:
Lesson #10: Patience Is a Virtue
Lesson #9: The Art of Small Talk
Lesson #8: How To Get Out of Jury Duty
Lesson #7: The Importance of Proper Grammar
Lesson #6: You Are Nothing Without Your Principals
Lesson #5: How Corporate America Really Works
Lesson #4: The Importance Of Self-Respect
Lesson #3: It's Important To Maintain a Healthy Diet
Lesson #2: There Is Nothing More Disgusting Than The Word 'Lovers'
Of all the things in the world I could have decided to be, I had to decide I wanted to be a writer.
Deciding to become a professional writer is a lot like deciding you want to become a professional baseball player. It's mind-bogglingly competitive, there are millions of people more talented (or more motivated) than you trying to do the same thing, and people tend to feign enthusiasm for your career choice, while secretly tallying up the odds of you ever making a career out of writing, baseball, underwater basket-weaving, or whatever highly unattainable career goal you're trying to reach. And unfortunately, being as this is real life and not The Hunger Games, the odds may not be ever in your favor.
I guess I must secretly be a half-glass-empty kind of person, because I constantly worry about those nagging odds and how much or little they might be in my favor when it comes to becoming a professional writer. Because I'm smart enough to know that talent does play into these odds, I spend a lot of my very limited free time trolling the blog world for both inspiration and to check out the competition. Since I'm still not completely sure what it is that I'm doing here exactly, I have no choice but to turn to the internet. Which, unless you're watching ridiculous sketches on Funny Or Die, is almost always a mistake.
The first thing that occurred to me through my extensive research is that if it's a "Mommy Blog" I'm trying to write here, then I'm going about it the wrong way. Step one, according to the internet, is to marry someone famous, have their children, and gain instant fame as a baby guru, with thousands following your blog. Well, okay...clearly I messed up step one. I could try to convince Josh to let me engage in some kind of reverse polygamy in which I have several (famous) husbands in addition to him, but let's face it: If I had more than one husband, they'd just form their own fantasy baseball league and I'd be stuck with even more laundry. Aside from the obvious fact that I love my husband and my husband alone, I just don't have the energy or time management skills for more than one. So clearly that option is out.
There's always the 'creep everyone out' route, as recently made famous by Alicia Silverstone, who recorded herself pre-chewing her baby's food and spitting it in the baby's mouth and successfully managed to gross out the entire world. While Ben and Layla are too old and my stomach is too weak for this option to ever come to fruition, I haven't ruled out trying it to see their reactions (but not filming it because if Alicia Silverstone has taught us anything, it's that we DO NOT want to see that).
Finally, I've noticed is that most of these "Mommy Blogs" chronicle their child's every move. I'm not talking about milestones or frustrations or any of the normal, run-of-the-mill baby things. I'm talking about the kind of over-sharing that involves telling your readers how many times a day your baby poops (There is actually a real blog where the writer does just this. Who would want to read that, you ask? Apparently the eighty-two people who subscribe to it do. I know. I don't get it either). These blogs not only scare the bejesus out of me, but serve as a reminder that while your children should be your top priority, I truly believe (for the sake of your own sanity as a human being) they shouldn't be the only thing you can think to talk about. I have a few friends who write delightful blogs about varying subjects and those blogs are a joy to read (mostly because they're not about poop. I have to deal with it enough, why read about it too?!) and yet, none of us are 'making it' as writers. But why?
My ongoing struggle with being a blogger (aside from the fact that I don't particularly enjoy referring to myself as a blogger) is that I want to build an audience and to try to get my best material out there, but I really have no idea how to go about this. I have a sneaking suspicion it's because I'm not 'hungry' enough. While I can easily pick out the internet crazies I can just as easily pick out the internet geniuses who are doing this so much better than I am. I consider throwing in the towel on a writing career daily, but then what? They say 'Those who cannot do teach' but what about those who cannot do and don't have patience to teach? What then? All I can picture is standing outside all of the major TV networks with a cardboard sign that reads 'Will write for your entertainment' with my resume/screenplay/novel/excerpts from my blog in my back pocket. It's not a pretty picture.
Unfortunately, my worries don't stop there. Currently my book club is reading 'The Psychopath Test' by Jon Ronson (which I would highly recommend) and according to the book, one of the classic characteristics of a psychopath is a lack of unrealistic long-term goals. Is wanting to be the next Tina Fey an unrealistic long-term goal? Because who wouldn't want to be this lady??
So let's review: I am trying to break into one of the world's most impossible professions, I married for love and not celebrity (which is only a mistake if you want to be a famous writer without having to do anything or have any real talent), and thanks to Jon Ronson, I now have a deep-rooted paranoia that I'm a psychopath (the blog stalking that I participate in on a daily basis does very little to dispute my psychopath theory, just in case anyone is wondering). Fantastic.
For now, if anyone needs me, I'll be scanning the internet for mommy blogs, writing lengthy, irrational-sounding emails to Jon Ronson about the state of my sanity, and checking out the mechanics of underwater basket-weaving as a back-up career. Wish me luck.
