Day 31: A Supposedly Fun Thing That I'll Never Do Again

 
Well friends, the date today is July 31st which means that my 31 days are up, all blogged on and accounted for. The challenge is over. I did it. 

To celebrate the end of the first short-term goal I've ever successfully achieved, I compiled a brief, statistical look back on my (sometimes excruciating) 31 Days of Diva challenge:

• I wrote 27 blogs total with four guest blogs from my extremely talented guest bloggers (Thank you Adam, Tescha, Emilee and John! Knowing that I had a break once a week did more to keep me sane than you will ever know. You guys rock).
• Between me and my guest bloggers, we wrote 29,347 words (including this blog), which roughly translates into 59 single-spaced pages. I suddenly find the idea of writing a book significantly less daunting. 
• Total blog page views for the month of July (Not including this blog): 2,921 (but more on that later)
• Number of times I wanted to quit the Challenge: 31 (I'm dramatic)
• Number of times I actually, seriously considered quitting: 2 
• Number of Facebook friends I lost: 3 (you can't win 'em all)
• Number of Twitter followers I gained: 11 
• Number of Twitter-verified rappers who followed me because they liked my Trayvon Martin blog: 1 
• Number of people who told me they would never be able to look at Martha Stewart the same way because of me: 13 (sorry guys)
• Number of panic attacks I had because I couldn't think of a single thing to write about: 4 (not bad, actually)
• Number of hoaxes I believed: 1 (almost 2, but I Googled him and Jackie Chan is still alive)
• Number of blogs I wrote that I hated and wished I could take back: 3 
• Number of days I felt overwhelmed with gratitude and love for everyone who was reading Triple D on the daily: 31

It's important to note that none of these lovely (and sometimes strange) statistics would have been possible without all of you. Thank you.

Thank you for taking time out of your busy lives to read my blogs every day. I really can't tell you how much the support has meant to me. I was terrified at the beginning of this challenge that I was going to alienate myself from everyone I know by bombarding them daily with every thought that entered my nutty little brain. I saw a lot of begging people to read my blog (even more so than usual) and feeling like I was working my booty off for no reason in my future, and it was intimidating. And while I did have a few of those days (and I did manage to alienate myself from at least a couple of people), the majority of my 31 days were a blur of pleasant surprises. You guys were reading, sharing, commenting and coming back for more. When I saw my page view numbers for the month, I did a cartoon-worthy double-take. This number (2,921) means that my little blog got about a hundred hits a day, every day, for the entire month. That number blows my mind and exceeds my wildest, most optimistic expectations. I can't thank you guys enough for all of your support.

And thanks for being there on the rough days too, the days that I couldn't stop critiquing myself, my mind echoing the harsh ways that the celebrity chef panel on "The Next Food Network Star" (my latest and most pressing obsession) critiques its potential chefs. You're making a bold statement, but not connecting with the audience. You're not getting out of your comfort zone, be braver. Pack up your knives and go home, you suck. Well, you get the idea. Thanks for being there to tell me that I don't suck. There's probably a much more eloquent way to say that, but there's nothing more redeeming than being told that you don't suck when you feel like you do. In other words, thanks for being my little army of anti-Bobby Flays, guys. It meant a lot to me.

I went into this challenge hoping to find the motivation and self-discipline to write every day and I'm proud to say that I did. Actually, what I really discovered is that those qualities have probably been here all along, but were lying dormant, waiting to be woken up. I may come out of this whole experience with a desire to write more than my usual 2 blogs a month. While I'm not sure that aimlessly writing about nothing everyday is my "thing", I think I may finally be ready to turn all of my nothing into something.

Well, eventually. Right now I need a break. Right now, in the immortal words of Popeye, I've had all I can stands and I can't stands no more.

But don't worry. The world is a shocking place filled with interesting characters that are sure to either inspire or piss me off, not to mention the fact that I have the kind of kids that are always doing funny, blog-worthy things.

I'll be back.

Day 30: Christmas In July

About this time every year, I start thinking about the months to come. The best months of the year. The holiday months.

For us, the holiday months kick off in October with the Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta and Ben's birthday and go through New Year's Day. Holiday months are synonymous with pumpkin flavored coffee, pumpkin patches, football, warm socks, dusting off my pregnancy pants for Thanksgiving dinner (don't judge me), the smell of fires, the smell of snow, school holiday performances, the River of Lights, decorating, baking, laughing at tipsy relatives, telling stories about previous holidays...I could go on and on.

The kids at McCall's Pumpkin Patch, a true New Mexican treasure. If you're here, you know it's Fall.

Every holiday during the holiday months is great, but the hands-down winner for the best, most fun holiday is definitely Christmas. It is, as they say, the most wonderful time of the year. I absolutely love Christmas. I feel like it's the time of the year when we see the best in people and makes everyone feel a little bit like a kid again, if only temporarily.

This is what pure, unbridled Snow Day joy looks like. This is also what Mitten Monsters look like.

Christmas is, without a doubt, one of the best times of year to be a parent. When they were babies, both of my kids loved to lie under the Christmas tree and stare up at the lights. As they get older, they're able to participate in the fun more and more, helping to decorate the tree, baking cookies, and assembling gingerbread houses. They are enamored with Christmas, wrapped up in the magic, the celebration, and electric awareness of life and love that is Christmas. They remind me of what it feels like to be a carefree kid, anxiously waiting for Christmas day to finally come. They remind me of happy childhood memories, which is a surprisingly and amazing gift. Prior to my kids, I spent many years in retail and a side effect of that particular career path was a general sense of desensitization towards holidays, particularly Christmas. I saw the bad side, the demanding customers, the long hours which led to missing out on Christmas-y activities, the relentless sound of "Jingle Bells" on repeat. I didn't realize until much later how dark that time in my life was, how much I had turned on my favorite childhood holidays. I learned how to re-appreciate them through the eyes of my kids.  My children shed light on my dark little world which, as luck would have it, is the point of celebrating Christmas in the first place.

That, and singing Christmas carols at the top of your lungs, unabashedly and unashamed, no matter where you are or what you're doing.

It's important to note that as far as Christmas music is concerned, my usual inner, guarded, hipster, music snob keels over and dies for the entire month (okay fine, the entire month of November too). I do things I wouldn't normally do, like listen to Mariah Carey willingly while singing happily along. It's the wonderful time of the year where I don't care if you're a country singer, a member of the Rat Pack, or an annoyingly perky bubblegum pop star, I will happily listen to your rendition of "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" over and over. I don't judge any musician if he/or she has made a Christmas album, not even Snoop Dogg/Lion . I don't care that I basically spend months listening to slightly different variations of the same fifteen songs, in fact, I love absolutely every minute of it. I pretend to be relieved when January hits and regular music returns, but in actuality I miss the fuzzy-feeling-inducing tunes immediately. They're an irrefutable necessity in the Christmas Spirit equation.

Ben trying to slyly lick a lollipop on my Mom's tree that, unfortunately for him, turned out to be an ornament.

This is also the time of the year where my inner culinary genius finally gets to shine. I'm not what you would call a great cook, generally speaking. It's probably because I'm a picky eater, but I typically spend an inordinate amount of time staring into my refrigerator, helplessly wondering how I could possibly turn this stuff into something edible, before giving up and popping a frozen pizza in. But Christmas is different. Much like my temporary Yuletide love of Mariah Carey, my love of baking Christmas goodies is unbridled. The fact that artichokes make me uncomfortable is no longer relevant at Christmastime. My picky eating habits dissolve instantly. I bake cookies, pies, cakes, you name it as long as it's sugary, buttery, and can be shared with friends or family. One year we made some truffles that we were pretty proud of (incidentally, Josh has been known to channel his inner Julia Child at Christmastime too). And the fact that all of this goody-eating coincides so nicely with sweater-weather? Well that's just the icing on the fruitcake

I also love the traditions of Christmas, from the more traditional traditions of waking up and opening presents to the fun traditions that stem from holiday-related "you had to be there" moments. One of our traditions is celebrating Christmas Eve with my mom, brother, sister-in-law and their kiddos at my mom's house. The night always ends with a game I can only describe as "Attack Uncle Mike" where all of the kids well... attack my brother, their Uncle Mike. I have no idea how or why this tradition started, but it usually ends with my brother lifting my mom's (extremely temperamental) Schnauzer up in the air threatening to make him walk on the ceiling, as he swiftly dodges fact that the dog is trying to bite his hands off. It cracks me up every year.

Anyone up for a round of "Attack Uncle Mike"?

You can tell by the look in his eyes that my brother was one of those kids who tried to burn ants with a magnifying glass.

No matter how excited they are, getting my kids to sleep on Christmas Eve is never a problem. They're always exhausted from my mom's house. They wake up Christmas morning, tear into presents and then immediately beg to go to Nana and Poppy (AKA Josh's parents)'s house. The day flies by in a flurry of family, fires in the fireplace, football, and amazing food. Before we know what happened it's all over, always way too soon. Not just for the kids, but for the grown-ups too.

Baby Layla, enjoying some Christmas goodness and a roaring fire at Nana and Poppy's

I'm daydreaming about Christmas today because school is starting in a couple of weeks and while that might signify the end of happiness to most kids, to me it's the starting point for all of the happiness and good stuff to come. It means that the arrival of the holiday season just around the corner. And despite the fact that I'm sitting in the air-conditioning on a hot July day, beyond the new school year and the arrival of Fall, I can almost smell the cookies and cinnamon candles and Christmas tree lingering in the not-so-distant future.

I can't wait.

Patiently waiting for Christmas.

Day 29: Remembering My Unorthodox First Crush

Today started out the same way as many before it, with me stepping on a Lego. 

Stepping on small, plastic,virtually invisible toy is merely a side effect of parenting on a good day, but on a less patient days, it's the bane of my existence. Since today fell squarely into the latter category, after I stepped on the offending Lego, I calmly suggested (read: demanded with my voice just teetering on the edge of a shriek) that my kids pick up their rooms a bit. The request was followed by a brief flurry of activity, and then full-on silence. Anyone who has children knows that silence is actually the worst sound in the world when it comes to kids. When they're loud, you know exactly what they're doing and that no one is choking on anything. Silence usually equals some kind of trouble. 

Naturally, this silence needed to be further investigated. I went down the hall to Ben's room to find it still looked as though it had been devastated by some kind of natural disaster (a Thomas the Train hurricane by the looks of it) and completely Ben-less. I continued down the hall to Layla's room, where I found a closed door. I opened it to discover Ben, rapidly moving around Layla's room gathering her toys, books, and loose shoes and putting them back in their places while Layla perched on her bed like a Princess, reading a book. As you might expect, I asked Layla what was going on. She waved her hand dismissively in the general direction of Ben, her eyes never leaving the pages of her Fancy Nancy book. "I gave Ben a dollar to clean my room for me" she said casually, as if paying her brother for his manual labor was nothing unusual. For a second, I just stood there, blinking at her. I knew that I probably should have been mad, but I wasn't. I probably should have lectured her about responsibilities and not trying to pawn them off on her brother, but it's hard to lecture someone when you feel like you're on the brink of a full-on belly laugh. Not to mention the fact that I actually kind of admired her for thinking it up. Ben was doing the work willingly (because one dollar for a kid equals a million dollars for an adult in terms of awesomeness) and she was compensating him for said work. Everybody wins. Six-year-old: 1, World: 0.

I've continued through the day amused by Layla's antics, but a thought has nagged at me. I keep thinking that it's an indescribably weird experience when you begin to see parts of your personality in your kid's personality. It manages to be both the coolest thing ever and most terrifying thing you could ever imagine. You discover qualities you never knew you had, both good and less than flattering. As she gets older, Layla turns into me more and more. Sometimes Josh just looks back and forth between the two of us, shaking his head, probably imagining what it's going to be like when she's seventeen and I'm threatening to rip my hair out. And while I'm not exactly looking forward to that bleak but inevitable day myself, I'm more freaked out by day-to-day changes and the fact that in many ways I feel like I'm watching my life play out all over again; I'm just playing a slightly different role this time.

It's funny that the day I realized my daughter is officially turning into me happens to be the same day as Peter Jenning's 75 birthday. The connection to those two things may not be obvious, but bear with me.

Last year, I accidentally wrote my favorite blog. I had been on a rather rant-y streak (try to contain your shock) and was starting to worry that constantly being up on my soap box was going to start giving me nose bleeds. I was looking to lighten up a heavy mood by encouraging the world to laugh at me, much more than I was concerned with hitting one out of the park, writing wise. And in a lot of ways, the blog wasn't a home run. It didn't have a billion views (we all know how obsessed with statistics I suddenly am) nor did it afford me sudden blog fame and fortune. But I didn't care because I loved it and I loved writing it. It was the most fun, stress-free writing experience I've ever had. I was Layla's age in this story and like her, I was a curious blend of gutsy and reserved, ready to take on the world and all that came with it. I was also completely enamored with my very first crush:

Many of you may not consider Peter Jennings crush-worthy, and many of you are terribly wrong.

Above all, I loved sharing a story from my personal history that contributes to who I am as a person today. And maybe it was because I was recounting a time when I was braver and less intimidated by the world around me, but writing it made me feel recharged and brave, with the glorious mind-set of a six-year-old. Which is probably why I decided to send the blog to my current favorite news man, who trilled me by actually taking the time to respond, letting me know that he was also a Jennings fan and thanking me for the mention. He also very graciously side-stepped the fact my blog alludes to the fact that I have a huge crush on him (a fact that I didn't realize myself until I woke with a start at 4 AM in a cold sweat, mentally kicking myself and wondering why some brilliant computer person hasn't created an "unsend" button yet). But if he noticed, he was kind enough not to say so. Which just proves that you can't go wrong with the men of the news.

My childhood crush and all-time favorite Newsie passed away several years ago, but if he was alive today he would be 75, and I would probably be on Twitter right now, embarrassing myself by telling him that he's smokin' hot for someone who is 3/4 of a century old. So while it's sad that he won't be surfing his social media accounts soaking up all of his birthday well-wishes, I obviously dodged a bullet because he'll never have to endure mine. Nor will he have to read the story of how someone young enough to be his granddaughter refers to him as her unorthodox first crush when she tells her own daughter all about him.

Which will probably save us both quite a lot of embarrassment. 

Day 28: Guest Blogger #4 John Wilcox

Back by popular demand, my forth and final guest blogger John Wilcox who, as it turns out, is the world's worst life coach. Take his advice at your own risk. Enjoy!

How To Survive The Dark Decade Between 20 and 30: A Definitive Guide to Getting Through the Next Ten Years by Someone Who Made it With Flying Colors

By John R. Wilcox, PhD, MD, MFA, LPN, CD, ESPN, GQ

In any advice column, you first must question the expertise of the source giving the advice.  Look at my name up there in the byline.  See all those letters after it?  They are from a very prestigious school of higher learning located on a secret island off the coast of Panama.  Don’t ask for documentation.  Sometimes you just have to learn to trust people.

[Note from the Legal Department: this man is completely unqualified to give advice.  Don’t listen to any of it.  Stop reading now.  It’s the only smart thing to do.]

I have noticed a profusion of “articles” on aging on a number of websites.  Any popular “list” type site is flooded with articles and lists of how it feels to turn 30, or why everything sucks when you get older, or how things now are quantifiably worse than they were before.  If you have no idea what kind of website I’m referring to, congratulations, you obviously spend a healthier amount of time on the internet than I do.  Keep up the good work, Doctor’s orders.

All of these articles are bullshit.  Why?  Because I didn’t write them.  Again, look at the qualifications up there, and trust me that I’m not lying about anything, ever.

Those articles are also useless to a young person looking for good solid advice on how to make it to thirty without dying or going to jail.  And that’s where I come in!  I have survived the treacherous decade that separates thirty years old from twenty, and to my knowledge, I didn’t die.  So listen to me, youngsters, because I am ten years older than you and that, along with all of the qualifications, makes me qualified to give you life advice that must be followed exactly to work.

Rule #1 On Taking Advice:
 

Always follow every piece of advice that a person at least ten years oldergives you.  Even if that person is now homeless and shouting his advice at you because you refused to let him shine your sneakers, he has seen things you haven’t only because he has been on this planet longer.  Learn to follow advice, even if it seems impossible.  Maybe that homeless man telling you to “stick your head up your own ass, buddy” is trying to teach you something about perspective.  Have you ever thought of that?  Or maybe he was once a trained medical and psychiatric professional, like me, and is only posing as a homeless man to expand the consciousness of his fellow humans, and also shine shoes.  Have you ever thought of THAT?

[Note from the Legal Department: if you are still reading, you should be questioning yourself by now.  This guy is obviously insane.]

Rule #2 On Relationships and Feelings and Stuff:

During my long years studying the human psyche at the prestigious university on the secret island off the coast of Panama, a few essential human truths suddenly became apparent to me.  I don’t want to use too much medical jargon and psychological mumbo-jumbo here because no one likes a show off, so I will just say this—bad feelings always suck.  No matter how old you get.  Nothing will make you feel like a teenager again like a wee bit of hurt feelings.  You know how you think it probably gets easier to deal with stuff when you get older?  It doesn’t.  You just get better at keeping a poker face.  And lying.  You get better at lying.
There are rumors that “marriage” and “children” dramatically change people, or that even finding a satisfying profession in which you excel and find happiness is a way to achieve something that trained medical professionals (like me) call “emotional maturity.”  These are unsubstantiated rumors and should not be trusted.
 

“But that’s not really advice!” you might be yelling ineffectually at your computer screen right now.  And I know this, but you are impatient, so stop yelling.  This is the advice: always “bottle” your feelings.  Swallow them down deep inside and put them in a little bottle you imagine and never let any of them out. (The bottle can be of your own design.)  When you start feeling like you just can’t keep all those feelings inside anymore, seek professional help and only share those feelings with a trained professional, like me!  This ensures a stable emotional life which will bring with it many friends and lovers.

[Note from the Legal Department: this man is not a trained professional in anything.  He never even finished the class at the beginning of his orientation for his first job in telemarketing when he was fifteen.  Don’t take any of his advice.]

Rule #3 On Jobs, Careers, and Professionalism:

Young people!  Let this piece of advice also serve as a history lesson.  Because of us, we people in our late twenties to mid-thirties, the entire cultural definitions of “jobs” “careers” and “professionalism” have been forever changed!  Rejoice!
 

You see, we felt the pressure of being told to pick a job and stick with it, but we rebelled against our former baby-boomer overlords.  Now, it is common to drift from job to job to college to job to “career.”  Or maybe from college to job to career to college to career to job… etc. into infinity.  We are not forced into the mines at fourteen as our parents were.  We are smart enough to sustain a lifestyle while looking for things that will make us happy in all aspects of our lives.  If this means racking up insurmountable personal debt, all the better!  You may thank us for this at your will, young people. 
 

But again, the advice is slow in getting here, so here it is: professionalism doesn’t matter in any stage of your development, so just keep doing “you” as long as you want. Workplace etiquette has changed.  Call your boss by his or her first name and offer a high five upon first meeting.  Wear whatever clothing you want.  Show up to work with last night’s beer on your breath, it doesn’t matter.  Heck, even sleep at your desk in both college and at your job.  Nobody really cares anymore.  Don’t worry about all those old standards of a past age!  If you get fired, you can always get unemployment and find another job.  

Although some may accuse me of giving bad advice here just to make sure that I can coast longer and not worry about the younger generation taking the jobs I’m not taking, (all of my professional schooling takes time) I disagree!  Those are baseless accusations!

[Note from the Legal Department: Really, we’re just here to make sure you know this guy is not actually qualified at anything, just to cover our own asses on the legal front.  And the advice there at the end is obviously that of a man with some kind of instability.  We’re surprised the editor let this thing through.  Direct all complaints to the editorial department.]

And that’s really it!  THREE simple rules to follow and you are guaranteed success at everything you do!  (I kept that whole “Three Simple Rules” thing secret just to blow your mind at the end.  It’s like a secret hidden title.)  You can forward all success stories through my wonderful institution of higher learning located on a secret island off the coast of Panama.  Unfortunately, the address is as secret as the island.

Day 27: Mummy Tummy

Over the course of this challenge, I promised myself two things: 1) I would leave any and all body issue blogs to my gloriously talented guest blogger Tescha Orio and 2) I would limit myself to only one Royal family related blog. Typically, I excel in keeping promises, even the silly little ones that no one knows that I've made. But then I saw the following picture accompanied by the following comment (which I'm sorry to report, is an real, unedited comment) and I knew I'd have to go back on my word:

"Is Kate Middleton still preggo or what?" asked an anonymous internet commenter, who is obviously both a sensitive human being and not at all someone with too much time on their hands. "She looks bloated and disgusting. William should have shown off the baby by himself or they could have waited until she didn't look like such a cow."

Wow. Just...wow. There are so many things wrong with this comment that I don't know where to start

I remember the days, weeks, and months following the birth of my first child. There were the things that I was expecting (sleepless nights, a vague, but constant feeling of terror, and overwhelming amount of love) but there were things that I wasn't expecting, most of which were body-related. I had assumed (wrongly, blindly, stupidly, even) that the moment I gave birth my body would go back to the way it was before. I had seen enough "(Insert random celebrity here)'s Rockin' Post-Baby Bikini Bod" headlines to assume that the human body just sort of bounced back. Maybe I was just completely ignorant or I was believing what society wanted me to believe, but it was a shock to me to find that this is absolutely not the case.

I remember three months after Layla was born (while my stomach still looked like a deflated tire and all of my pants remained elastic-waisted) wondering what I was doing wrong. I had an extremely healthy pregnancy and an extremely healthy baby as a result, but I didn't deny myself  my cravings (I remember one time I had a craving for brownies. I baked a pan and wound up eating the entire thing. Rather than admitting it to my husband that I had eaten the whole pan, I baked another tray and shared them with him when he got home, as if the first ones had never existed. I'm a winner). Layla was one of those awesome babies who loved to be outside in her stroller, so we walked constantly, but eating for two is a difficult habit to break. I lost the weight eventually (please note my use of the word eventually. As in, not immediately, certainly not by US Weekly standards). By my next pregnancy, I knew what a post-baby body really looked like and I managed my expectations accordingly. Eventually (again, note the word) I learned to accept the fact that my body's not perfect. It wasn't perfect before I was pregnant and it certainly isn't now, despite being years out from my most recent pregnancy. But it doesn't bother me because perfect is a lie. I'm healthy and I'm active, and the way my body looks to other people isn't what defines me as a person. I have long accepted the fact that the human body doesn't bounce back (at least not with out a MASSIVE amount of effort) and that basically, celebrities aren't human. Having a six pack two months after you deliver is not natural and it certainly shouldn't be the standard that we all hold ourselves to. We just grew a human being. Cut us a little slack.

But enough about me. Back to Kate.

For what it's worth, I personally love (love, love, love, LOVE) the fact that she looked the way she did when she presented her new son. She looked great actually, certainly much better than I did the day after I gave birth (vaguely like I had been run over by a train). She didn't try to hide her body or disappear from the media until she was "bikini-ready" (whatever the hell that's supposed to mean). She didn't succumb to our standards of beauty, and instead of being praised for being so normal and human, she was called fat and disgusting, and magazines immediately began to speculate about her diet plans, all vying for the first interview with her personal trainer. Fox News (gag) even dared to name her "condition": Mummy Tummy.

Really? Mummy Tummy? Bitch, please.

Things like this make me feel like my head is going to explode. I'm just so sick and tired of both men and women being so hard on women, particularly women's bodies. I long for the day when people realize that we weren't all created on an assembly line, we all look and think differently, and that's okay. I wish we lived in a world where our outer appearance wasn't the most important thing about a person, but until then I will take living in a world where people understand the calling someone fat the day after they give birth is nothing short of preposterous. I would say that I wished we didn't live in a world where people wouldn't make rude comments about people they don't know but talk about like they do know, but I'm smart enough to know when I'm asking for too much.

Sometimes it's just hard for a girl to catch a break, even when you're the Duchess of Bloody Cambridge. 

Day 26: Guest Blog #3 Emilee Leach

They say that you should never discuss religion or politics among friends and largely, I agree with that statement. Unless, of course, the friend you're discussing these "taboo" topics with happens to be my third guest blogger, Ms. Emilee Leach. Emilee is my favorite Facebook poster; She's a port of well-researched, level-headed awesome in a sea of mixed-up, one-sided crazy. Emilee is intelligent, articulate, but most importantly, she never fails to make me laugh my arse off. All that and she's a scientist too!

If you don't already know Emilee, you should fix this problem immediately. Start a conversation with her. She's open to new people, new topics, and new opinions. As long as you're not splattering on her wall, of course. Enjoy!

 
The Splatter on the Wall

By: Emilee Leach

From thoughts about current events to religion, social networking sites have become the go-to place to splatter one’s own opinion across their walls, and worse on the walls and posts of others. I use the term splatter because so many rants that I see on Facebook and Twitter, have absolutely no backing and there is no attempt to provide support for the argument; people are simply splattering all over the internet, in a stream of consciousness style, a way that makes me want to do the same to my brain. Not to mention, most are inundated with so many typos and grammatical errors, one has to wonder if that the person only had minutes to live and felt the need to express their final opinion from their deathbed, OF COURSE not having the time to proofread, use proper grammar, or at times make any sense whatsoever. But the fact remains that sadly these people are not dying, only dying to express their unsupported, uninvited opinion on some issue.

To understand where I am coming from and why this is such an infuriating practice, one should know some basic information about me. I am a news junkie, a writer (What? Really?), a science enthusiast, and one of the most outspoken and opinionated person you will have the pleasure or dissatisfaction of meeting (just ask yourself on a scale of 1-10, how narrow-minded are you? Anything over an 8 and I would go with extreme dissatisfaction). Oh right… and should mention that I think I am funny, but that could and has been disputed. I tend to be particularly vocal on issues pertaining to politics, women’s rights, science v. religion, human rights, animal rights, and current stories in the news. So basically, that is everything but what… gardening? Finally and most importantly to the article, I consider myself to be an excellent Facebook debater. And I don’t say this just because I want it to be true. I feel like my proof comes not only from the ridiculous amount of experience with it, but also the fact that my friends inviting me into their conversations when they have an ignoramus splattering all over their page. I believe they know that I can be trusted to do my research, be respectful, and be unrelenting in continuing to participate in the conversation until it has come to an end. Please notice that I did not claim to be a top arguer, because I LOVE a good debate and feel that in most circumstances that it promotes knowledge and understanding between people who do not see eye-to-eye on an issue; however, I find there is absolutely no point in getting in an argument with someone about my beliefs and opinions or theirs.

Because of the increased amount of splattering I have seen as of late, especially over the George Zimmerman case this week, I think it is worth examining some such cases and looking at the lessons that may be applied, according to my newest initiative that I am hereby deeming to be Chat Don’t Splat Act of Facebook 2013 (CDS Act of FB 2013).

 Let’s start with at a great example from last week. I had posted that I was looking forward to it being October, so that I may be able to finally have health insurance through Obamacare. While, I knew I would probably have to take some heat from my Republican friends (who are always more than willing to provide said “heat”), what I did not see coming was this:

“The Obama brotherhood=Muslim brotherhood! He gives more free stuff but some one has got to pay for it. It ain't the rich but the working class. Liberals r socialist. I really hope u don't fall for all the free stuff Obama is giving out cause while one rejoices two or three or more r working their ass off to pay for it in sweat and tears. But if u do I'm not mad at ya. I'm just sayin.”

Ok. Great. I am just sayin’… SPLAT!!!! 

Lessons to be applied as they pertain to the CDP FB Act of 2013:

          

   1.) Making an outrageous claim, using insulting and poorly written language, and finalizing with a condescending statement are not ways that going to help me understand your point. It only makes me want to call you an idiot and move on with my life.

         

   2.) I recognize that we all have differing levels of education, especially in the English department. That being said, it should be noted that it is not a crime to TRY to speak proper English, especially if you want someone to be able to understand where you are coming from on a political issue with which you are attempting to disagree. I KNOW that you know how to spell “you”…again… just sayin’.

I bring up education because segues perfectly into the next part of the discussion in regards the ways that one should not splatter. This is a great example because it addresses both the education issue and the religious aspect of the discussion. It was actually a continuation of the rant that had started with the Muslim Brotherhood. In this part of our long, painful, yet pointless conversation he had asked me my beliefs. I tried desperately to get around it several times, but as he kept probing, I eventually told him it was based in realm of science and that I thought the Bible had a lot of really positive messages about how to treat one and other, and also that I personally felt as though Jesus was a notable historical figure, a philanthropist and a humanitarian, which per his response was taken as me somehow defending the Bible. (Note: I really shouldn’t have gotten into this one, such a waste of time and over 100 comments.) Anyhow here’s the response:

“U made me feel stupid because u r double minded. Your foundation is your own and can either go one way when it suits u or the other when it suits u. U say u seek truth, but who's truth. U say Jesus is a humanitarian like u like him but then u call him a lier. What's up with that. U say u believe in creation but then say that god could not have spoken it into being like the word says. U r half way on the fence here do u see why I'm flustered at u right now. U bark at me to not speak of this stuff cause u know u have no foundation and half way truths fall apart. The word of God exposes u for who u r. Case in point. I'm sorry but truth is truth right”.

More lessons to be applied as they pertain to the CDP FB Act of 2013:

             

     3.) When did I say I believed in “creation” (ism?) and when did I call Jesus a liar? Oh yeah. I didn’t. Read what someone says before responding. Please. It is hard to have a debate when you spend half the time debating over what was has been said. All I am asking for, in this case, is that before contributing your random splatter onto a post that you please first read the comment to which you are splattering, I mean responding. Should I even have to point this out? No. But sadly, I do. It may seem like common sense; however, in my experience this is something that people do WAY too often.

             
   4.) Accept my right to believe in a different religion and please respect that I am NOT looking to be converted. Why can you not empathize with this? It would seem to me that your beliefs make you insanely desperate to show your love and ever dying devotion on a person’s page that you barely even
know… so why can you not just be happy with your very correct and unwavering opinion and leave mine alone.  In short - “Thou shalt not proselytize on Facebook”.

These are just four simple examples of why we need the anti-splatter regulation, as addressed by the rules of the CDS Act of FB 2013. Just abiding by these four suggestions could provide some type solace from all the the idiotic splatter and honestly make the internet a better place for all (who care to be involved in intelligent conversation).

Two more quickies to consider in regard to name-calling:

* Don’t call Democrats - Obama-loving, drone kissing, socialist, welfare-loving, baby killing liberals.

* Don’t call Republicans – Bush-lovin’, women hating, bible thumping, pro-life gun crazies.

It makes you sound ignorant. More or less, I find it similar to calling someone a “stupid-face” on the playground.

There will always be those who will break the laws outlined in the CDS Act of Facebook 2013 and will continue to make Facebook and the internet a less-intelligent/enjoyable place to interact with each other. I would be delusional if I really thought EVERYONE would actually post well-researched, respectful, intelligent ideas on my page and the page of others. 

But seriously, how nice would that be?