Day 13: The Thing I Wish I Didn't Know

I just read the most disturbing thing. It was so disturbing that any kind, decent, sane-minded person would just keep it to themselves, but since I've never claimed to be any of those things, I'm going to drag everyone who's reading this right now down with me.

Martha Stewart recently did an interview where she admitted to having a threesome, being a big fan of one night stands, and to being a frequent and enthusiastic sexter. Yes, that Martha Stewart. The one who advises us all on the best way to brine a turkey, hang a Christmas wreath, and how to make a superb amuse-bouche. Well, it looks like good ole Martha's been amusing her bouche in ways that the general public never would have guessed.  Now if you'll excuse me a second, I need to go throw up.

Okay, I'm back.

Now, before you think I'm a total prude, I invite you to take a look at this lady and tell me if you would have ever expected her to do anything sexy, controversial, or even remotely human:

 Right. Me neither.

I guess it just goes to show that you can't judge a book by its cover, the quiet ones are always the craziest ones, and you never know when you'll read or hear something that will disturb you to the core.

I honestly don't know what it is that freaks me out so bad about this revelation. Maybe it's the fact that sweet little Martha Stewart isn't so sweet after all. But more likely, it's because I just realized that her life has been exponentially more exciting than mine (seeing as I've never been involved in a threesome or served time in prison where someone, who may or may not have been my prison girlfriend, knitted me an impressive poncho). Maybe I'm just jealous that she has clearly had an adventurous life, which will enable her to write a memoir that will make my most exciting chapter ("Chapter four: Bill Weir follows me on Twitter") pale in comparison to sexting the Pope* (*I may be exaggerating slightly). I'm not judging Martha's choices, but I am struggling to get the image out of my head.

I realize, of course, that no one asked me to put the image of Martha in the throes of a threesome in my head, but it's there and, unfortunately, I can't get it out. All I know is that I'll never be able to hear Martha say her signature catchphrase "It's a good thing" and think anything remotely normal ever again.

And now, neither will you (sorry about that).