Day 28: Guest Blogger #4 John Wilcox

Back by popular demand, my forth and final guest blogger John Wilcox who, as it turns out, is the world's worst life coach. Take his advice at your own risk. Enjoy!

How To Survive The Dark Decade Between 20 and 30: A Definitive Guide to Getting Through the Next Ten Years by Someone Who Made it With Flying Colors

By John R. Wilcox, PhD, MD, MFA, LPN, CD, ESPN, GQ

In any advice column, you first must question the expertise of the source giving the advice.  Look at my name up there in the byline.  See all those letters after it?  They are from a very prestigious school of higher learning located on a secret island off the coast of Panama.  Don’t ask for documentation.  Sometimes you just have to learn to trust people.

[Note from the Legal Department: this man is completely unqualified to give advice.  Don’t listen to any of it.  Stop reading now.  It’s the only smart thing to do.]

I have noticed a profusion of “articles” on aging on a number of websites.  Any popular “list” type site is flooded with articles and lists of how it feels to turn 30, or why everything sucks when you get older, or how things now are quantifiably worse than they were before.  If you have no idea what kind of website I’m referring to, congratulations, you obviously spend a healthier amount of time on the internet than I do.  Keep up the good work, Doctor’s orders.

All of these articles are bullshit.  Why?  Because I didn’t write them.  Again, look at the qualifications up there, and trust me that I’m not lying about anything, ever.

Those articles are also useless to a young person looking for good solid advice on how to make it to thirty without dying or going to jail.  And that’s where I come in!  I have survived the treacherous decade that separates thirty years old from twenty, and to my knowledge, I didn’t die.  So listen to me, youngsters, because I am ten years older than you and that, along with all of the qualifications, makes me qualified to give you life advice that must be followed exactly to work.

Rule #1 On Taking Advice:
 

Always follow every piece of advice that a person at least ten years oldergives you.  Even if that person is now homeless and shouting his advice at you because you refused to let him shine your sneakers, he has seen things you haven’t only because he has been on this planet longer.  Learn to follow advice, even if it seems impossible.  Maybe that homeless man telling you to “stick your head up your own ass, buddy” is trying to teach you something about perspective.  Have you ever thought of that?  Or maybe he was once a trained medical and psychiatric professional, like me, and is only posing as a homeless man to expand the consciousness of his fellow humans, and also shine shoes.  Have you ever thought of THAT?

[Note from the Legal Department: if you are still reading, you should be questioning yourself by now.  This guy is obviously insane.]

Rule #2 On Relationships and Feelings and Stuff:

During my long years studying the human psyche at the prestigious university on the secret island off the coast of Panama, a few essential human truths suddenly became apparent to me.  I don’t want to use too much medical jargon and psychological mumbo-jumbo here because no one likes a show off, so I will just say this—bad feelings always suck.  No matter how old you get.  Nothing will make you feel like a teenager again like a wee bit of hurt feelings.  You know how you think it probably gets easier to deal with stuff when you get older?  It doesn’t.  You just get better at keeping a poker face.  And lying.  You get better at lying.
There are rumors that “marriage” and “children” dramatically change people, or that even finding a satisfying profession in which you excel and find happiness is a way to achieve something that trained medical professionals (like me) call “emotional maturity.”  These are unsubstantiated rumors and should not be trusted.
 

“But that’s not really advice!” you might be yelling ineffectually at your computer screen right now.  And I know this, but you are impatient, so stop yelling.  This is the advice: always “bottle” your feelings.  Swallow them down deep inside and put them in a little bottle you imagine and never let any of them out. (The bottle can be of your own design.)  When you start feeling like you just can’t keep all those feelings inside anymore, seek professional help and only share those feelings with a trained professional, like me!  This ensures a stable emotional life which will bring with it many friends and lovers.

[Note from the Legal Department: this man is not a trained professional in anything.  He never even finished the class at the beginning of his orientation for his first job in telemarketing when he was fifteen.  Don’t take any of his advice.]

Rule #3 On Jobs, Careers, and Professionalism:

Young people!  Let this piece of advice also serve as a history lesson.  Because of us, we people in our late twenties to mid-thirties, the entire cultural definitions of “jobs” “careers” and “professionalism” have been forever changed!  Rejoice!
 

You see, we felt the pressure of being told to pick a job and stick with it, but we rebelled against our former baby-boomer overlords.  Now, it is common to drift from job to job to college to job to “career.”  Or maybe from college to job to career to college to career to job… etc. into infinity.  We are not forced into the mines at fourteen as our parents were.  We are smart enough to sustain a lifestyle while looking for things that will make us happy in all aspects of our lives.  If this means racking up insurmountable personal debt, all the better!  You may thank us for this at your will, young people. 
 

But again, the advice is slow in getting here, so here it is: professionalism doesn’t matter in any stage of your development, so just keep doing “you” as long as you want. Workplace etiquette has changed.  Call your boss by his or her first name and offer a high five upon first meeting.  Wear whatever clothing you want.  Show up to work with last night’s beer on your breath, it doesn’t matter.  Heck, even sleep at your desk in both college and at your job.  Nobody really cares anymore.  Don’t worry about all those old standards of a past age!  If you get fired, you can always get unemployment and find another job.  

Although some may accuse me of giving bad advice here just to make sure that I can coast longer and not worry about the younger generation taking the jobs I’m not taking, (all of my professional schooling takes time) I disagree!  Those are baseless accusations!

[Note from the Legal Department: Really, we’re just here to make sure you know this guy is not actually qualified at anything, just to cover our own asses on the legal front.  And the advice there at the end is obviously that of a man with some kind of instability.  We’re surprised the editor let this thing through.  Direct all complaints to the editorial department.]

And that’s really it!  THREE simple rules to follow and you are guaranteed success at everything you do!  (I kept that whole “Three Simple Rules” thing secret just to blow your mind at the end.  It’s like a secret hidden title.)  You can forward all success stories through my wonderful institution of higher learning located on a secret island off the coast of Panama.  Unfortunately, the address is as secret as the island.