Day 24: Second Chances

I'm having a really hard time concentrating today. This wouldn't be unusual for me on a typical day, except the thing that's distracting me today kid, husband or social media related. And it's making me buzz with the nervous energy of a two-year old after six cups of coffee. That thing is my little brother.

Almost two years ago my dad, who I had never really known, passed away. I'll spare you the emotional roller coaster portion of the story (though if you're really that interested you can read all about it right here) and get straight to the silver lining. At the funeral (AKA the absolute worst day of my life so far) I met my half-brother and despite the darkness of the day, I saw a bright spark of hope. Discovering something joyful in the midst of devastation made the day feel like the world's saddest Christmas. I've always loved my brother, and now I had two. And finally, a logical explanation for why I've always felt like I have Middle Child Syndrome. It doesn't get much better than that.

After the funeral, we all separated and crawled into the safe little corners of our lives until we could heal and move on. My little brother and his mom moved to Las Vegas while my older brother and I stayed here and focused on our families and work. Then somehow, two years passed. But thanks to the power of Facebook (this is exactly why I always defend social  media to social media haters) we reconnected. And now he's coming town to visit. Today, in fact. Hence the nervousness.

As ridiculous or childish as this may sound, I'm scared that once my brother meets me under more normal circumstances, he won't like me. I'm more the kind of person who grows on you eventually as opposed to the kind of person you love instantly. That fact doesn't usually bother me (I've had a lifetime to come around to it), but in this case it worries me. I wish I could skip ahead to the tenth time that I meet a person, when I start coming across as nice or friendly, the point where I finally stop cracking borderline inappropriate jokes to cover up how nervous I am. The truth is, I'm the worst.

My only hope at this point is to pray that that's a genetic trait that my brother happens to share with me.

I don't think that life affords us many second chances or opportunities to right the things that we've wronged. I made the mistake of letting my pride and hurt get in the way of forgiving my dad, and that's something that I can never erase from my life, no matter how much I want to. I know that that's never going to change. But I can move on from here and embrace the next best (and maybe even better) thing. I want to give my brother the chance he deserves.

I just hope I can manage not to screw it up.

My brothers and I at my Dad's funeral. Proof that when you're part of generation selfie you take pictures everywhere, no matter who's crying.