Day 18: The Quirks Of Parenthood

If you're preparing to be a parent, everyone who already has kids seems to have the same advice, which is all along the lines of "It's a lot harder than you think" and/or "Your life will change forever". Looking back, I wish I had asked everyone who said either of those things to me to be more specific. Instead, I chose to ignore each and every one of them, mistakenly thinking that that was their experience, not mine. What can I say? I was high on hormones, anticipation, and ridiculous amounts of chocolate any time I wanted it. It was a lethal combination. You can't blame me for being impervious to reason.

Six years and two kids later, I know better. Your life really does change, and it changes in really weird little ways that you never would have expected. I'm sure that these experiences vary for everyone, but for the sake of blogging and coming down off of my week-long soap box, these are a few of the (many) parenting quirks that I wish someone had warned me about:

1) Some day you will have no shame. Eventually, you will sniff the air questionably, then lift up/bend over your kid, press your nose to their butt crack, and inhale sharply to see if it was your kid responsible for the questionable smell. That's right. You'll sniff their butts, you butt sniffer. And the weirdest part is, not a parent among us even thinks twice about doing it.

2) You will experience what it truly means to be chronically exhausted. I used to be fun once....I think. Possibly. And now when I hear my childless friends (or friends with older kids) talking about going out, I feel like the party pooper who may or may not have been fun at some point in her life. Friday nights used to be for going out, dressing up like hipsters, eating breakfast at midnight, talking about our dreams....but now it's mostly about yoga pants. Man, Taylor Swift must be so tired.

3) You will talk to adults like children. Because I am both a manners Nazi and a germaphobe, I encourage my kids to sneeze into their elbows. When I hear them winding up, I always call out "Elbows!" to remind them (I'm annoying because I care). The other day I was at the grocery store, sans kids, and reflexively yelled "Elbows!" into the face of a grown man, who looked to be in his mid-fifties or so, who was winding up to sneeze.  His lethal stank eye let me know that he did not appreciate the reminder. 

4) Going to the bathroom will become a group event. My sister-in-law and I just discussed this at length the other day and I was relieved to learn that I'm not the only one who has to beg for two minutes to go to the bathroom by herself.

5) Your pop culture references will become almost exclusively Disney/Pixar related. It's pretty bad. In fact,  I usually just pretend to know what people are talking about when it comes to anything related to movies, slang, or good new restaurants. I do a lot of smiling and nodding. Incidentally, when I'm alone with my family,  I'm known for saying really obnoxious things like "Oooh, this episode of Dora The Explorer is my favorite" which another unfortunate side effect of this life change.

6) Like it or not, you will turn into your mother. I truly don't think we can help this one, it's innate. No one thinks they could ever possibly turn into their parents and we try to rebel against it (even when we really like our parents), but the effort is fruitless. For example, I spent my entire childhood making fun of my mom for singing along with the songs that played overhead at the grocery store. I used to be mortified to round the corner and find my mom singing along with Billy Joel. I thought nothing in the world could ever be more embarrassing. Now I do it to my kids. And you know what? My mom is on to something, because embarrassing your kids is fun and Billy Joel kinda rocks.

7) Kids accidentally say really inappropriate things, especially when you're in public. Case in point, Ben decided to try out the hot tub the other day at the pool. Every time he lowered himself in, he bolted up and started yelling "My wiener, my wiener! It's warm on my wiener!" People stared. It was awkward.

8) You will experience endless jealousy over someone else's mundane day. Maybe it's just because I'm with kids all day long, but the second Josh gets home from work I practically attack him. It's not so much the work stories that I want to hear, it's more about the lack of details like two kids yelling "Stop copying me!" at each other 1,425,872,249 times a day.


9) Bodily functions are of no consequence and actually pretty funny. It's true, most parents I know wear their puked on, peed on, pooped on status in life as a badge of pride. Maybe it's because it's destined to happen to everyone at some point, but after awhile it's just becomes funny. In fact, I have a great projectile poop story that I look forward to telling Layla's first boyfriend.

10) Your kids will often make you feel like you have one foot in the grave. Every once in a while, my kids will get into something that I liked as a kid, I feel this wave of "Where am I and how did I get here?" My childhood seems so far away, so removed, that it feels like it isn't even my life. That it all happened to someone else. I feel old. It's weird.

But I totally understand if you don't want to believe me. I've been there. Enjoy your chocolate.