Day 22: Mini-Mean Girls

This past year, I volunteered twice a month in Layla's kindergarten class. For the most part, it was a great experience. I got to know (really know) Layla's teachers and when she would come home from school, bursting with stories from her day, I was able to put a face with all of the people she was talking about. The kids in her class knew me and would talk to me openly (sometimes too openly, there's nothing a five-year old loves more than an audience). Most of the kids were sweet, adorable, and innocent, textbook kindergartners.

But the more I saw around these kids the more I noticed that there were little cliques amongst them; The girly girls played with the other girly girls, the athletic girls with athletic girls, quiet girls with quiet girls. And then I noticed that the boys play with anyone, they have no preference for who they sneak up behind and scare. They're equal-opportunity crazy. It was the girls that divided. As the school year went on, the girls continued to divide into smaller, more particular groups. For example, my daughter was part of the " Artistic Girly Girls Who Are All Begging Their Parents To Let Them Pierce Their Ears" group (they might be cliquey but they're highly organized). But because my daughter's three closest friends are all slightly varying versions of her, I adore them all and pretty much think they're the best little girls ever. But they are definitely their own little group, one of many. Including one group I had hoped my daughter wouldn't have to face until at least middle school, if ever.

Mean girls.

Back when I was in kindergarten (insert "when dinosaurs roamed the Earth" joke here), I don't remember mean girls. At least, not like these mean girls. These are some full-on, eye rolling, bad attitude, high school quality mean girls, the likes of which would put Lindsey Lohan to shame. And they were only five years old.

There was one girl in particular who seemed especially hostile towards the other girls and served as their unofficial Queen bee. I spent the entire year trying to figure out why all of the little girls in the class (my daughter included) flocked to this girl. There was nothing especially remarkable about her (if she had been, say, half-unicorn and half famous trapeze artist then I would understand the fascination) but she wielded an amazing amount of power over all of the other girls. At first I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, thinking that maybe all of the girls wanted to be her friend because she was just really nice and had a....quiet way of showing it, but I quickly learned that wasn't the case. For someone so young, she was surprisingly cold and almost menacing. I would watch her perform a move that I've always referred to as a "Down and up" where she would make eye contact with another little girl then slowly rake her eyes down the other girl, taking her in and as her eyes made their way back up, she would look into the other girl's eyes and smirk, letting her know she was neither intimidated nor particularly impressed by her. At 29 years old, I have never personally been able to master this look with as much detachment or venom as this little girl already could. Actually, I might be impressed if she wasn't giving her own special brand of stank eye to my daughter, who was one of her frequent "down and up" recipients. She would tease Layla about things, small things usually, but enough to upset an already sensitive child. Poor Layla, sweet, sweet Layla, who was used to everyone liking her had no idea how to handle this girl. It upset her and for awhile, I was at a loss over what to do about it. All I know is that no one ever told me that parenthood would include cultivating enough gumption to tell my daughter to carry on, to not only not let the mean girls bother her, but to be nice to the mean girls, whether they deserve her kindness or not. All I really want to tell her is to knock some sense into that silly girl, but I know that ultimately that won't solve anything. Two mean girls does not equal a nice girl.

I wish I could tell my daughter that it will get easier as she gets older. That eventually people grow up and "mean girls" cease to exist. But that, of course, would be a lie. Mean girls will always exist and some people never grow up and, unfortunately, I don't mean that in a fun, Peter Pan kind of way. Instead, mean girls  just produce more mean girls in an endless loop of bad attitudes and hurt feelings. As a parent, you hear a lot about bullying and mean kids in school, but you assume that that sort of thing starts later on as kids get older. It's a mistake to think this. It starts as young as these kids. I can only assume that by the time my daughter has a daughter (in 50 years, minimum) there will be mean girl cliques in the hospital nurseries.

What a scary thought.